#probably the only photo of myself i’ll ever post on here but hello world!

[hungerandthirst]

self portrait in august; 2023

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Mon 14 June ‘21

Louis Tomlinson Cooks is here!! Yeah it’s 100% for sure as delightful to watch Louis make himself a sandwich as you might have hoped, but how was his cooking? Well I’ll let Louis rate himself-- “I’m not gonna lie not that appetizing is it, I mean look at it,” he says when it comes time to taste his creation, plus, “chopping peeling slicing not great to be fair- everything else I’m all right” (he’s… not wrong, even aside from the peeler issues has this man ever held a knife??) but- “it probably tastes nice though as I said it’s not about presentation for me… [munches cutely]... it’s actually pretty banging, that’s actually quite nice!” Success! Maybe it’s cause he knows the secret to faking good cooking- “as you can see I don’t have a lot of cooking ability so the more butter the better,” I mean the experts can tell you, that’s advanced stuff right there! #Louis-aChild! Substituting mustard and ketchup for coleslaw is a bit of a bold move, but in a belated attempt to convince the kiddos to eat some healthy veg even though he won’t he does bravely try the cucumber strips despite being “not really a man for cucumber” and makes a pained attempt to be positive- “bit of crunch.” Oh and speaking of crunch I’m relieved to have learned that the waffle is NOT a waffle, it’s a crispy waffle shaped bit of potato; a much more reasonable fish sandwich addition than the American version of a potato waffle! Full Time Meals polled to see what people think of Louis cooking; the two choices are “it was amazing” and “the best,” THEY GET IT. My kind of Louis poll! Helen Seamons rated him a “10/10 for effort and entertainment”, Masterchef acknowledged Louis as one of their own, and Marcus Rashford keeps it simple- “my guy” with a lil heart. YEAH, SAME.

Harry showed up in Italy, where he was papped in Venice being driven around (with PA Luis) on a boat (as you do, in Venice). He’s in a cool embroidered Bode shirt and shades and fancy hair, looking good. He’s seen carrying his suitcase, taking photos, and resting his head on his arms looking like a model. One might think, since we just saw the My Policeman cast and crew on set celebrating the wrap of the shoot, that they were done filming and Harry was off to do something different, but nope, he’s there to film! The book has key scenes in Venice that folks had been wondering about the filming of, and David Dawson is also being boated around Venice for the paps, so, it seems that was just for the wrap of the *UK* filming, which makes sense I guess since it would mostly be different crew I imagine, and perhaps some of the main cast are done as well.

Liam’s NFT sale is happening tomorrow! If you’re confused and want more info, I’M NOT GONNA HELP THAT MUCH… uh but I mean you can check out Liam’s youtube video explaining though I would guess that won’t help much (even Liam thinks so; “there’s probably websites that explain a lot better than me” he admits). There is a roundup now posted of what’s on offer for the buyers of the NFTs but I’m gonna be really honest with you, I’m more confused now than I was before. It’s clear that there are only SIX LONELY BUG NFTs right? They for sure said that I believe. But the packages for each different piece (token bundles) seem to me like they’re available to multiple buyers? Like maybe you don’t get the NFT but multiple top bidders on each get the extras? Like they can’t be selling multiple copies of the NFT... can they?! Isn’t the WHOLE POINT that only one person gets to own it? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW I AM SORRY. What I think I understand to be true: the six NFT buyers get to go to “a once-in-a-lifetime immersive dining experience at Resorts World Las Vegas” (this is the dinner with Liam and “a selection of crypto leaders from around the world” which takes place on display inside a giant glass box) and also “a bespoke commemorative presentation box containing the world’s leading holographic display... with audio... and a custom made Lonely Bug commemorative coin,” and “a unique QR code directing the owner to a special ‘Director’s Cut’ edit of the short digital film ‘Making Of Lonely Bug Collection’ which features unreleased footage from the day of the drop showing the creators' reactions when the winning bids came in” (I mean YEAH I would think it’s unreleased it literally hasn’t happened?) But then there are really a lot of other extras including tickets with Meet & Greet access to any Liam Payne headline show around the world, admission to pool and cinema parties in Vegas with Liam, signed art, non-Liam extras (I will literally bid to NOT have 20 minute phone calls with those crypto entrepreneurs PLEASE… but that’s just me), and access to an online party hosted by Liam; I really get the impression many of these, especially the last one, are just crypto tokens that are for sale that aren’t linked to the main Lonely Bug NFTs and many more than 6 people can buy them but a lot of the extras I’m not clear on which it is. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll understand better WE WILL SEE.

Liam also dropped by the discord last night to say some hellos (after a “long long day”) and that he “bought a piece of NFT art of myself tonight I’m going to give it as a prize Monday night so someone can own a piece of art that was owned by me” (an even less tangible bragging point than simply owning an NFT wow that’s an achievement) and the most important update- “I want a French Bulldog”! Oh and he said “that’s like one I did myself” in his fanart channel to a pic of a tiny crocheted illustration of Louis and Harry holding up a rainbow flag. Didya Liam?? (...Liam is crocheting??) Anyway I recognize who it’s supposed to be because it’s based on a familiar piece of fanart, but Liam definitely might NOT realize it’s meant to be someone specific, and tbh I’m more <eyeballs> at him saying that at the rainbow flag crocheted thing than at it being shippy.

Our Song acoustic version is out this Friday!! And Niall talked about NH3 some in an interview today; “I’m in the studio most days, it feels really good. I’m kinda in the latter stages of it and then I’ll go get a band together and go in and record the whole thing. I’ve just kind of been writing for the past 9 or 10 months and really enjoying it” and “It sounds like a complete album. God knows when it’s coming out because I’d like to be able to get around the world to see all the fans as well” and “It’s different. It sounds a lot more grown up. I’m 27 so it’s about time. I really wanted to kinda cement a sound. The singles I’ve released previously have all been kinda different sounds. I would like to have my ballad sound & like a cemented uptempo sound.” He and Anne Marie also talked about one of the other songs they wrote together saying, “It’s kind of like a, how do you describe it- guitar driven meets Tom Petty meets Katy Perry meets…” but say “We haven’t really decided if we are putting it out yet, the conversations are kinda happening... but it’s completely different (from Our Song).”

[simeons-sinful-saint]

Summertime Happiness

(OM) Boys (excluding Simeon, Solomon) x GN!Reader

Synopsis: the beach episode

WC: 3.2k

Note: it’s summer, and I miss the beach. I really want to go so I projected it here. I will say this is a part one bc I plan on writing smut for part two and you get to pick which ending you want. For example, you could pick to spend the night with Diavolo or you could choose Mammon. I’m challenging myself to write for each character so we’ll see how that goes.

“Beach! beach! Beach!” Mammon, Asmo, and Levi were chanting in the back of the car.

“Guys, we’re not even halfway there.” You groaned. They had been like that ever since you got to the human world. They then started squabbling about what to do. Mammon then tried to steal Levi’s tablet. Asmo seemed to ignore them completely.

“This would be our first human world beach! Of course, we’re excited. Just think of all the photos I could post.” Asmo was gleeful, the main person who suggested this trip.

“Well can you guys keep it down. I’ll turn this car around if you don’t!” They shut up, leaving you able to concentrate on the road, “You guys are lucky that Lucifer is in the other car.”

“I didn’t know you could drive MC.” Satan was in the front seat next to you.

“Of course! I’ve been driving since I was 16.”

“I’m sure you could teach Mammon how to drive safer.”

“Oi! Quit insulting me!”

“Honestly, why couldn’t Belphie be in my car. He’d just sleep.” You grumbled under your breath.

“I still don’t understand why Diavolo would want to come here when he has a beach of his own. Besides the beach is stupid.” Satan was now complaining. The choir in the back started up again, and you could feel the headache develop.

Instead of listening to them, you turned the music up to drown out the noise they were making.

That’s when Barbatos gave you a call. You answered it hands free, “hello?”

“MC, it seems the young lord would like to visit the nearest rest stop. He wants to see a human world gift shop.”

“There will be gift shops at the beach!”

“You don’t understand MC! I heard rest stop gift shops offer a wide variety of trinkets that the state offers.” Diavolo sounded too excited for you to say no.

“Also, Beel ran out of food, and we don’t want him to rampage in the car.” Lucifer sounded annoyed, probably because he got put in the back seat since Barbatos was driving.

“I’m hungry…” you could practically hear Beel’s stomach growl from the backseat as well.

“I suppose we need to fill the cars up with gas as well. There should be a rest stop at the next exit.”

“Understood. We’ll follow you to the rest stop of your choice.” Barbatos hung up. The music resumed. Hopefully, they didn’t hear the commotion from the back of your car.

You pulled off the next exit to arrive at a big gas station/truck stop. Parking your car at a pump, the others got out of the car to stretch their legs.

“You guys go ahead and get some snacks or drinks. Make sure to get me one too. The others should show up shortly.”

They walked into the shop thankfully not arguing. Barbatos shortly pulled in at the pump opposite of your car.

They also got out, and Diavolo practically ran to the shop with Beel following behind him.

“Lucifer, please don’t let them get into any trouble. That’s the last thing we need.” He nodded already looking annoyed. Upon inspecting their car, you could see Belphie peacefully sleeping in the back seat.

Barbatos walked over with a map consulting you on the best route to the beach. Their D.D.Ds didn’t have human world GPS, and of course, they didn’t have any human world phones to access it (and you weren’t planning on buying a new phone.) With a pen, you highlighted the route after consulting your GPS. You knew that Barbatos wouldn’t get lost behind you, but it was nice having this assurance.

Barbatos then turned around and excused himself from your discussion, heading towards the gas station shop. You tended to both of the cars, making sure that they were filled up and ready to go.

When you saw all of them come back to the car, Mammon was thrown over Barbatos’s shoulder.

“Put me down!”

“I’m sorry MC, but Mammon will be riding with us now.” You didn’t even want to know. Beel now was in your car, which solved part of the headache that was going on.

Lucifer simply texted you:

Mammon tried to steal

You knew that Mammon was going to be harshly punished in Barbatos’s car which he deserved. The last thing y’all needed was for the cops to come and arrest Mammon.

You noticed how many bags of souvenirs Diavolo was putting in the back of the car. It looked like he swept the store clean of everything. Same with Beel but with food.

“Beel, please make sure to not get food everywhere in my car. My parents would kill me if I ruined their seats.” He nodded and kept chowing down on the bag of chips he got.

Satan just shook his head and handed you a granola bar and a soda. Thankfully someone remembered to get what you asked for.

You all loaded the cars back up and set off once more. This time your car was quieter, and you were so thankful for that on the rest of the way to the beach.

—

“Finally! We’re here!” Asmo exclaimed when you parked the car at the condo y’all would be spending time at. Barbatos shortly pulled in next to you.

They got out of the car and met up with you, “We’ll need rolling carts for all of our luggage and supplies. They should be in the lobby’s office.”

Lucifer and Barbatos left to go fetch them and check in to the condo for you.

It was surprisingly easy to get all of the suitcases, beach supplies, and coolers up to the room. You made sure to get a big condo so everyone could get their own room (saved yourself the headache of who will be rooming with who.)

“Alright everyone, time to set up the ground rules!” You gathered everyone to the common room, “Make sure you all remember your human world names. Please do not stray too far from the others. We do have the beach for ourselves here, but the public beach isn’t too far from here. Please be careful to not wander that way. We have an itinerary for dinner and free times. Please do try to behave yourselves over the week we are here. Other than that, we’ll have fun!”

They all agreed and left to go unpack their stuff.

“I really hope we can get through this without any trouble. We’re spending too much money being here instead of being in Devildom.”

—

The sand was nice and warm. The sunlight danced over the waves, making the ocean sparkle. Lucifer and Barbatos already got the umbrellas and beach chairs prepared, so all the rest had to do was get into swimsuits.

Running out to settle down on a chair basking in the sunlight was your first objective.

“MC, you need to apply sunscreen before you sit out in the sun.” Barbatos walked over with the spray on sunscreen.

“Right. I forgot.”

“MC, I can help you put on your sunscreen!” Asmo ran over to you, “Then you can rub it all over my body.”

“Oi! If anyone is going to rub sunscreen on them, it’s going to be me. I’m their first so I have that right!” Mammon was quick to swoop in and grab the bottle out of Asmo’s hand.

“You can’t use that excuse every time. Especially since you’ll never admit how you feel.” Satan was the next one to take the bottle.

“I-I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, you know you’re a simp.” Levi came up to y’all, “O-Of course I will apply sunscreen on you MC. Who am I kidding you’ll never pick me.” You could hear every mumble under Levi’s breath.

“What on earth are you all doing?” It was Lucifer, “they are perfectly capable of putting sunscreen on themselves.”

“But their back! They couldn’t possible read that part,” Asmo flirted, “and I’m the perfect person.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes and took the bottle out of Satan’s hands, “I’ll put on your sunscreen MC”

“No fair! How come you get to do it?” They started to whine. Honestly at this point you didn’t care who put it on you.

“Thank you, Lucifer,” you turned your back towards him so he could apply the lotion on you. Feeling his hand run up and down your skin did feel nice.

The others continued to bitch at Lucifer about it.

“Haha! Your brothers are lively as always.” Diavolo stood next to Lucifer, who only sighed at his comment.

“I’m afraid so.”

Now that everyone was prepared, Mammon, Asmo, Levi, and Beel ran towards the water. Belphie was already asleep on a beach chair. Satan sat next to him with a book in hand. Diavolo was forcing Lucifer to build a sandcastle with him, while Barbatos helped by carrying buckets of ocean water.

A smile grew on your face as you ran towards the ocean yourself with a floaty, finally able to relax and play with everyone there.

When entering the nice warm water, you’re immediately dunked in. Rising back up,

“Mammon! You ass!” You move your hair out of your face.

“It’s ok MC, he did the same to me. He has a death wish,” Asmo looked furious. Every time he’s swim close to Mammon, he would simply swim away.

“Didn’t peg you as a good swimmer.”

“The great Mammon can do many things!” His laughter was infectious, and your anger fizzled out as you see the brothers chasing each other.

“Ugh, what normies.”

“What did you expect to do out here Levi?”

“Well you see I saw in this anime called A Trip to the Beach turns into a romance story and-“

“Forget I asked. I’m surprised that Mammon didn’t dunk you.”

“The water doesn’t scare me.”

“Makes sense. You do kind of control water. I guess this would be the best place to summon Lotan, besides the fact this is a human world beach.”

“Hahaha. I have no plans of doing that. My Ruri-Chan towel and bag would get soaked, and I don’t want that.”

“Right…”

You then heard eating sounds in your ear. Turning around, you see Beel mouth full of fish, “You can’t just eat the marine life here!”

“But I was hungry…”

“Then go to shore and grab some of the food we brought down here!”

Beel took you up on that offer as soon as he finished devouring the fish he caught with his bare hands. You just prayed he left something for the rest of you, lest you have to go back to the condo and get more.

Mammon quickly swam back and hid behind your back, practically using you as a shield.

“Don’t use MC to protect you!” Asmo was coming in hot. You dunked yourself under the water for Asmo to finally catch Mammon and push his head in the water.

Upon both of you returning to the surface, you shook your head to get the salt water out of your ears.

“You pushed too hard Asmo!” Mammon bitched.

“You brought this upon yourself!”

“Can you both shut up? I’m trying to fantasize about Ruri-Chan.”

“Stay out of this otaku!” They both shouted at the same time. Levi clammed up.

“Of course, they think I’m some weird gross shut in…”

“Oh Levi, that’s not true. Just let those two idiots fight and dunk each other under water. Let’s go back to shore and hunt for seashells!” He felt better from your words. Grabbing the floatie that seemed to be abandoned (you’re glad it didn’t float away into the sea), you both swam back and went to dry yourselves off.

Beel was devouring all of the food in the coolers you brought.

“Satan! Why didn’t you restrain him?”

“Huh, it’s not my job to keep Beel from eating everything. That’s Belphie’s.” You glanced to see that he was asleep basking in the summer sun.

“Of course.” You turned your attention back to Satan, “why don’t you come with Levi and I to hunt for seashells?”

“No.” It was immediate and caught you off guard, “I’m at the climax of this book, and I’ll do beach stuff when I’m done. Except go into the water.”

“Still don’t get it, but whatever.”

You grabbed the necessary supplies to gather seashells, and you made your way back to the shoreline with Levi by your side.

“Let’s see if we can find one that’s not broken! I’d love to get to a nice cone shaped one” Levi cheered up.

So far, you’ve only found broken sand dollars and pieces of broken corral, “well this isn’t great.”

“Oi! Why you hogging MC all to yourself?” Mammon always knew how to ruin a moment.

“Hey, Mammon~”

“Y-yeah?”

“You want a dollar?”

“Yes! Giving money to me is an investment-“

You simply placed a sand dollar in his hand causing Levi to practically die, howling about how you got him good.

Mammon just stood there looking like he could turn to dust at any moment. You couldn’t help but laugh.

Satisfied with your haul, you and Levi placed the bucket of shells back at the beach chairs.

“Still reading Satan?”

“Yes, and it’s getting good so leave me alone.” You roll your eyes in response. Levi said he would chill with Satan in the shade, something about getting his daily log on bonuses.

Shrugging, you turn on the group you hadn’t visited yet.

“Lucifer! Diavolo! How’s the sandcastle coming?”

“Well…I tried making a sand sculpture of Lucifer, but it doesn’t look anything like him.” Diavolo pouted. Upon looking at the pile of sand, you tried to hold back your laughter. If this was supposed to be Lucifer, then Asmo should really give him a makeover.

“The important thing is you tried Diavolo,” Lucifer tried to hide his annoyance, but of course he was bad at that (he would never admit it though.)

“Maybe we should take a break, my lord.”

“I guess so.” You felt bad and patted Diavolo on the back.

“You’ll get it right the next time you do it. Here why don’t I show you something humans do on the beach!”

Diavolo perked up, and the three of them followed you back to the shaded umbrella where their beach chairs were. You sauntered off and grabbed four bottles of beer and a bag of limes you cut up earlier (thankful that Beel didn’t eat them.)

You handed them the beer as well as a bottle opener, “Ok, so typically on the beach with this brand of beer, you push a lime into the neck of the bottle. It helps add flavor to the drink of the summer here.”

You demonstrated for them, even though Barbatos was a step ahead of you anyway. Diavolo looked at it all with wonder, taking a sip after preparing it, “Fascinating! Is this really what humans do?”

“Some. I like to do it when I go to the beach. It’s nice and relaxing. Plus, the advertising says to do this.”

“I do have to say, it does add a little aromatic flavor. However, I’ll have to decline drinking more than I already have.” Barbatos handed the bottle back to you. Even though you knew he had his reasons, it bummed you out a little.

“Well Lucifer! What do you think?” Diavolo turned towards his friend who was happily drinking his.

“Honestly, I needed some sort of break after being in the sun for so long.”

“Well, I’m glad I was able to help.” Lucifer smiled at your response, praising you about how you’re always a help to everyone.

You sat down next to them on the sand and just took in the calmness of the beach air, the smell of salty sea water filling your nose. It was enjoyable to have one moment of relaxation.

“Hey MC! Belphie’s awake! Help us throw him into the ocean!” You could hear Mammon from the other side of the beach.

“Your brothers are always so exciting, Lucifer,” Diavolo was laughing and was waiting for Lucifer to laugh along with him.

“More like a headache…”

“I’ll go over there so they don’t bother you three. Remember to get the relaxation you need. The three of you work way too hard, you deserve a break. That goes for you to Barbatos! You don’t have to be a butler here.”

He laughed at your comment, “So noted.”

Satisfied, you ran back over to the others.

“If you like to live, you’ll let go of me” Belphie was trying to fight, but with Mammon, Asmo, and Levi together, he didn’t stand a chance.

“Same for you Beel! Put me down so I can finish my book!”

“Nah, you can finish your book later. We’re at the beach. You should have fun with us!” Mammon had a death wish. They managed to pull Belphie and Satan into the water. Belphie at this point had already given up.

Satan, however, was like trying to bathe a cat. Extremely unhappy about it. He screamed profanities and was about to go apeshit, until you were by his side and holding his hand.

“It’s ok Satan. They just want you to have fun.” He huffed in response with a hint of blush developing on his face.

Finally, all of you were in the ocean, splashing water at each other, seeing who could hold their breath the longest, and float around letting the water massage your worries away.

The fun eventually was coming to a close. The sun started to set, and everyone went to pack everything up.

“Hold on!”

They turned to look at you who has a mischievous look on your face, holding up sparklers in their face, “They’re a lot of fun to have on the beach too.”

Everyone was about to decline until, “Ohhhh, that sounds like fun. I’ll do it with you MC.”

Diavolo started to take sparklers from your hand and went to get a lighter.

“Well, I guess I can do it too.” Mammon said.

“It does sound like fun. Plus, I can take all sorts of photos to post when we get back to Devildom.” Asmo ran to be by your side.

“Don’t eat the sparklers Beel,” Belphie said walking over with his twin.

“W-well it’s a normie thing to do, but if MC wants to do it then I will too.” Levi took a sparkler from the packet.

“As long as Lucifer isn’t going to participate then I will too.” Satan said.

“Too bad because Lucifer has to do this too!” Your words sounded very adamant, leaving Satan with no other choice.

Lucifer sighed but then smiled, “As long as your happy MC and Diavolo.”

You squealed in happiness. As you lit the sparklers, everyone waved them around. Asmo took photos of everyone with theirs. Mammon tried writing words (they didn’t look good.) The rest were happy to chase each other with Diavolo and Lucifer standing on the side. Diavolo was mesmerized by the sparks shooting out, and Lucifer couldn’t help but laugh with him.

Barbatos filmed the entire thing for everyone to remember later. One of the best days ever.

—

After showering, you noticed the night was still young. Everyone was kind of doing their own thing now.

You didn’t want the night to end too soon. Hitting up the town seemed like a good idea.

You sat thinking of who you should bring with you.

[jisungsmochi]

rest your love - lee haechan

don’t worry!! i didn’t forget about this series hehe,, i personally really liked this one!! i’m probably going to try and write more often!

anyways pls enjoy,, i’ll link my masterlist for the other parts of this series (nct dream as ‘the vamps’ songs)

word count: 2.2k 

summary: “when the world gets loud, baby you can rest your love on me”

haechan never understood why people liked to be chased. he thought that all he needed to do was ask someone out and boom, a beautiful relationship. until he befriends you, and learns that sometimes people just need a shoulder to lean on, before they can rest their love on someone.

//

I see you move, so I do understand

Why you get attention?

I hear you talk, but I don't comprehend

Why I get no mention?

“it’s physically impossible to dislike me, i’m just a catch” haechan brags while walking to his first college class, his friends, renjun and jaemin trailing behind him.

“just because everyone liked you in high school, doesn’t mean people will in college. it’s a completely different ball game” renjun rolled his eyes at how overly optimistic and delusional his friend was being.

“ah let him live, he’ll find out soon enough” jaemin chuckles softly as he and renjun wave to haechan,  scurrying off to their own lectures.

haechan shrugs, not taking in any of his friends words. he stumbled into the classroom, scanning for an empty seat. he quickly made his way to a spare desk, pulling out all his materials. just as the tutor walked into the room, his eyes met those of, who he believed, was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. you flaunted your way to the last empty seat, which happened to be next to the awfully cheery boy, smiling at you.

you weren’t having the best day, immediately regretting your choice of a desk mate. as soon as you sat down, haechan was a blabbering mess. he shot questions left and right at you, despite the fact you barely responded to any of them. you just assumed he wanted to make friends fast, or he was just a chatterbox. “so how are you doing on this fine day?” he mutters to you, but received a stern glare in response. you tilted your head to the front of the room, zoning in on your tutor. haechan would lie if he said he didn’t feel slightly deflated. usually he had no problem making conversation with strangers. but you were so cold, so uninterested, it really hurt his ego. maybe renjun was right, not everyone would like him. but haechan was an unbelievably stubborn optimist. he was going to befriend you, no matter how long it took.

//

And you know, you know where to find me

Yeah, you know where to go when you're looking for love

And you know, you know where I'm hiding

Yeah, you know

it had been over three weeks since haechan first met you and you still wouldn’t budge. you only spoke to him during group tasks, other than that you continued to ignore his advances. haechan got the message loud and clear that you weren’t going to pay him attention. it took a toll on his own self confidence, until renjun gave him a stern talking to,

“god don’t let her get to your head, dude!! she’s awful for not wanting to be friends with you”

haechan pouted, “but she’s so pretty, i can’t just ignore her”

at that moment, he received a notification on his phone.

y/n: is this haechan? i think you took my notes by accident

his eyes widened, how did you even get his facebook account?

he scrambled around his room, looking into his backpack and surely enough, there were your notes, prettily written up.

haechan: hello! i do have your notes, i can meet you somewhere to hand it back? maybe the cafe? we can get something to eat!

renjun was now peering over haechan’s shoulder, too invested in this interaction.

y/n: no it’s fine, just give it to me next class, thanks

after reading your message, renjun bursted out laughing.

“dude that’s brutal, she’s something else” haechan fiddled with his phone, glaring at the other boy. he clicked on your profile, sending you a friend request as he scrolled through your posts. he saw that your friends had wished you a happy birthday, almost a year ago. he then realised it was in a few days...

“i have the perfect plan to get her to notice me” haechan smirks, renjun rolling his eyes,

“you’re ridiculous”

//

it was a friday afternoon, when haechan stumbled into class. you looked over at him, expecting some type of greeting, but you didn’t hear a peep from the boy.

strange, you thought to yourself.

as you were preparing for the lesson, haechan pulled something out of his bag. you looked over, noticing a small pink box now placed on your side of the table. you raised your eyebrow at him, in which he whispered,

“happy birthday, y/n”

your face froze. how did he know it was your birthday?

you looked back at the small box, slowly moving your hands to open it. to your surprise, there was a red velvet cupcake, decorated with a ton of rainbow sprinkles. there was a tiny picket that said:

“happy birthday, cutie!”

you couldn’t hide your smile, which only made haechan swoon even more. you weren’t the type to make a big deal out of your birthday, but this gesture from haechan truly made your day. you bit your lip softly, eyes meeting his.

“t-thankyou, haechan. i really appreciate this” you smiled at him softly, not caring that you were now on speaking terms with him.

“anything for you, y/n” he cheerfully responded, turning his attention to the front of the room.

maybe lee haechan was worth letting in...

//

the days following, haechan would spam you with random texts throughout the day. initially you would have been annoyed, but after his generous birthday gift, you started to enjoy his company. although you wouldn’t say it to his face, you silently appreciated him.

“how is my beautiful, y/n doing?” he smirked as he walked with you after class. he’d always compliment you, each time making you gush inside.

“i’m alright, have a ton of homework to do though” you sigh, thinking back to the stack of work you had on your desk.

“oh poor thing! do you want to copy my work? i have it here right now i ca-“

“no, haechan, it’s okay. if i need help, i’ll just...call you or something” you paused, looking over at the boy whose eyes just lit up like a christmas tree.

“of course you can call me! call me anytime you want!” he exclaimed. you shake your head softly at him as you both continued walking.

once haechan met up with renjun and jaemin again, he couldn’t stop gushing about you.

“...and then she said i could call her! well she said she’d call me, but same thing” he explained your interaction to his two friends as they were eating at a local diner.

“so romantic” renjun sarcastically comments, causing jaemin to elbow him slightly.

“i think it’s a good step! i mean atleast she’s talking to you now” jaemin chimed in, feeding into his friend’s cheerful nature.

“yeah! i have a lot of hope for us” haechan smiles to himself, in which jaemin and renjun looked over at eachother before rolling their eyes.

you did end up calling haechan that night, as you were stuck on the very last question of the homework.

“y/n, it’s hard to explain, let me just send you my answer” haechan insisted,

“no, i feel guilty” you sigh, placing down your pen.

“it’s really okay, i want to help you” you bit your lip, eventually giving in.

“okay fine, but i’ll owe you something in return” you agree, hoping whatever he wanted wouldn’t be too bad.

“hmmm how about going to the movies with me this weekend? i know you wanted to see the new zombie one that just came out” he suggested. although you were shocked he was practically asking you on a date, were more shocked he remembered you talking about this movie.

“do you really think that is proportionate to what you’re doing for me?” you roll your eyes playfully, finding his advances quite endearing.

“yep!! take it or leave it” you hesitated for a moment, what’s the worst that could happen?

“okay fine, you have yourself a deal” you replied. haechan quickly put himself on mute (or so he thought), letting out a loud ‘YES!’, before returning to the call. you had heard everything, softly chuckling to yourself.

he was pretty cute.

//

That when the stars go out, you can rest your love on me

And when the world gets loud, baby, you can rest your love on me

“that ending was terrible” you pouted as you left the cinema with haechan.

“it wasn’t so bad, it could have been worse” he shrugged, leading you to the next location.

“hm i guess so, by the way, where are we going anyway?” you questioned, walking alongside him, observing your surroundings.

“this cool burger place i found online, here i’ll show you some photos” he pulled out his phone, swiping through the photos. you nodded along, agreeing to let him lead the way.

“y/n? is that you?” you heard a deep voice call, you head shot up, so did haechan’s.

“who’s that?” your mouth went dry. your body froze up. why was he here? why did he have to call out to you?

“oh my god it is you! long time no see” the mysterious boy approached the pair of you, completely disregarding haechan’s existence. he noticed how uncomfortable you were, eyes flickering between the boy and you. he placed his arm loosely around your back, the other boy’s eyes following in suit.

“oh i see, you’re dating someone. dang, i guess i missed my shot. he doesn’t seem like your type” the boy scoffed, arms folded as he stared you both down.

“w-we have to go” you finally bring yourself to mutter, pulling haechan along with you.

“y/n who was that?” haechan kept repeating, which only made you want to cry.

“he’s my ex, okay? just take me home” you sniffled, haechan immediately became concerned. he didn’t ask any further questions, driving you straight back to your place.

as he reached your house, he looked over at you, tears brimming your eyes.

“i-i’m sorry that our day was cut short. i was really enjoying myself. my ex and i ended on pretty bad terms and i would just like some time alone right now, i hope you understand” you sniffled, which made haechan’s heart ache.

“you don’t have to apologise. you know where to find me if you need me. i’ll be waiting for you to open up to me one day, y/n. however long it takes” he assures you, leaving you with a warm feeling in your stomach. you just nodded back at him, making your way into your house.

haechan sat in his car for a while, wishing he could take away all your pain.

//

you invited haechan to meet you at the local park. with no further questions, he rushed out of his room, eager to see you again. you waited patiently on the small bench, swinging your legs back and forth. you heard heavy footsteps approach, your eyes meeting those of the boy who radiated happiness.

“are you alright?” haechan starts as he takes a seat next to you, leaving a small gap between you both.

“y-yeah, i’m ready to tell you everything” you began,

“he and i ‘dated’ two years ago. i say ‘dated’ because well, i thought we were, but turns out he was just another player and i was just another pawn in his little game. it was my first relationship too, messed me up pretty bad. that’s why i tend to keep to myself, not really letting others in too much. he made me feel like every guy who gave me attention just wanted me for their own selfish needs” you sigh, eyes avoiding haechan’s. he wanted to hold your hand, but opted not to.

“he’s an asshole, you didn’t deserve that. i-i could treat you so much better i promise-“

“haechan, c-can we just slow things down?” you finally made eye contact with him, his face contorting into a confused expression.

“i know you like me, and i would be lying if i said i didn’t have a slight interest in you too. but i don’t think i’m ready for a relationship yet” you admit, worried for his reaction. but to your surprise, he didn’t feel sad or dejected at all. instead he smiled widely at you, leaning in closer.

“i’ll go as slow as you want. you can rest your love on me, whenever you need. i’m just glad to hear you like me too” he batted his eyelids, making you softly chuckle.

“thankyou” you whispered to him, moving closer so that your shoulders touched. the rest of the day was filled with random activities from the arcade, to a bike ride along the park’s trail and finally dinner. haechan came to realise that being with somebody wasn’t black and white. there was a grey area that lied in between. he didn’t care how long he needed to wait, all he knew was that he finally got you to like him. and that was enough to make him the happiest man alive.

[comphersjost]

All for You | 4 ➸  Brady Tkachuk and Matthew Tkachuk

thank you all so fucking much for all of your kind words and support and love. i though about making an epilogue type of part to tie up loose ends, if that’s what you guys want. let me know?

A week after Matthew walked out on you at the arena, his teammates show up at your door, dragging their wreck of a teammate to the only one he wants - but refuses - to see: you. 

word count: 3.5k+

warnings: alcohol, using alcohol to cope, mentions of sex, quite a bit of angst

part one

part two

part three

part four

part five

masterlist

The moment the vibrating starts on your bedside table you know that something’s wrong. The Caller ID reads Noah Hanifin. You should have deleted his number really. Especially after the trainwreck of a game last week. But you couldn't bring yourself to do it, needing some sort of lifeline to Matt. 

You watch as your phone stops ringing, revealing the notification for 4 missed calls from Noah and the time: 2:04 am. The screen lights up with a photo of him again, and this time you pick up. 

“Hello?” you answer groggily, sitting up to turn on the lamp as you rub the sleep out of your eyes. 

“Open the door.”

“What?” Your head feels heavy from being woken up in the dead of night. “Noah what are you-” 

“Is that Y/N?” you hear through the chaos in the background, and your sleep addled brain faintly registering that the words came from Elias. 

“Y/N!” you hear another voice exclaim, and suddenly you're wide awake. “Hi, Y/N, Hanny, dude, tell her she's the most beautiful girl in the world - Hanny listen to me - and her Instagram post was so cute - hey, Hanny!” 

You hear more shuffling over the line, and a sharp “Shut up Chucky!” from Noah. Suddenly there’s silence, and Noah’s voice comes out clearer than before. 

“Hey,” he says, “We’re bringing Matty up in the elevator, please open the door.” 

“Why?” you ask, “He made himself pretty damn clear at the game that he didn't want to see me so -” 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Noah interrupts, voice seeping with frustration. “He won't let us take him anywhere but here, okay? He saw you post that photo today and got all sad and mopey when he left practice and then Lindy and I found him like this. He’s been drinking since like 6 o’clock and we barely managed to cut him off like an hour ago and he's a fucking wreck so, please, Y/N, just open the door.” 

Maybe that lifeline was a good idea after all.

Cursing under your breath, you reluctantly get out of bed, turning on the lights as you make your way through your apartment. Just as you're swinging the door open, Matt is stumbling out of the elevator, each of his arms thrown around Noah and Elias. 

Matt’s eyes light up when he sees you, attempting to escape the grasp of his teammates to rush towards you. “Woah!” Noah says, grasping Matthew’s arm so he doesn't go anywhere. “Dude, relax, you can barely walk.” 

You see Matt pout as they get closer, and for some reason the sight makes you tear up. There's something about the way he looks right now, helpless and wide-eyed, being carried by his teammates like a child, that makes your heart ache. When they finally reach your door you try to hide your grimace at the smell of liquor on his breath. 

“Hi pretty girl,” Matt slurs with a grin, his head lolling to the side. “Did we wake you up?” 

“Yeah,” you say softly, stepping aside to let Noah and Elias practically drag him inside. “That's okay though.” 

Matt mumbles something unintelligible as his teammates deposit him on the couch. Noah turns to you when he’s sure Matt won't fall over. 

“I'm sorry-” he starts but you put your hand up to stop him. 

“It’s okay, Noah,” you reassure him, eyes flickering to the curly-haired boy on your couch. “Is he…?” 

“No,” Elias pipes up from beside Matt. “He's the furthest thing from okay, Y/N.” You flinch at his harsh tone, even though you knew he was right. This was your fault. Elias’s expression softens when Noah shoots him a reprimanding glare. “I'm sorry,” he steps towards you, “I didn't mean to-” 

“You're right,” you say abruptly, gaze focusing on Matt’s face. His eyes are closed but he's not sleeping, that lopsided grin still on his face. “You're right, Elias. Thank you for bringing him here.” 

Noah opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by a complaint from the couch. 

“Why are you guys still here?” Matt whines, “I wanna hang out with my girl.” Noah and Elias both glance at you sideways at the last words, but you just sigh. 

“You guys can go,” you say softly, “I can take care of him, I got this.” 

The two men hesitate for a moment, glancing at each other and seemingly having a silent conversation. They seem to come to an agreement as Elias claps Matty on the back and stands from the couch. You follow the two of them to the door, leaning on it as the two turn to you. 

“Guys,” you say, stopping them as they turned to leave. You pause, unsure if you should even ask but- “What did Brady say on the ice?” 

Elias inhales sharply, looking at Noah as he attempts to mask the reluctance in his eyes. 

“Please,” you whisper. 

Noah looks at Elias for a split second before he sighs and his shoulders slump. “He said-” Elias cuts him off before he can finish. 

“He said that if Chucky wasn't such a wimp that was afraid of his feelings he could’ve been the one to get the girl.” 

You stop breathing. 

“That little shit,” you seethe, curling and uncurling your hands before you punch something. “He's such a fucking instigator I'm going to kill him.” 

“Why?” Noah asks, tilting his head in confusion. “I mean, Matty came at him for it but, he’s right isn't he?” 

“What?” your head snaps towards Noah, eyes wide in shock. “What are you talking about? Brady and I tested the waters and figured we’d be better as friends. He started a fight because he could.” 

“No way,” Elias says, “Chucky said-” 

“He would have known if he just listened to me!” Noah steps back at your exclamation, glancing to each side down the empty hallway. Your voice drops to a hoarse whisper, “He would have known if he stayed in the fucking trainer’s room and let me explain!” 

“You fucked his brother,” Noah reminds you. 

“I was in love with Brady, Noah!” you snapped, “That was the point of this whole thing - of everything! And then he told me he loved me out of nowhere!” 

Noah scoffs, though he doesn't miss your use of past tense. “It wasn't out of nowhere, Y/N, and you know it. He brought you to games. He brought you to team events. He bailed on us at least once or twice a week to hang out with you. Have you ever even seen him flirt with a girl since you've moved to Calgary?” 

“I didn't know what to do! I’m sorry!” 

“You don't have to apologize to us,” Elias reminds you, motioning behind you. “He needs you, he's been needing you and I don't - he can't keep doing this to himself. If he's not at practice or a game he's drunk off his ass and even then he can't stop fucking talking about you. God, Y/N, do something and fix this.” 

You nod, wrapping your arms around yourself. “I'll try,” you whisper. “Thank you for bringing him here.” 

The two bid you goodbye, leaving you alone with Matthew for the first time in months. 

“Hi Matty,” you say gently as you find your back to the living room. You brush your fingertips against his forehead, pushing his hair back. His eyes flutter open, adoration and sadness practically shining through his gaze. 

He reaches for you, making grabby hands until you sit beside him, maneuvering the two of you so that his head was in your lap. He hums contentedly as you run your fingers through his hair, scratching at his scalp lightly. 

“I saw your Instagram post,” he says quietly. “With you and the ice cream? I love that place, it reminded me of when I took you when you first moved to Calgary.” You can't help the smile that tugs at your lips as he rambles. “I cried when I saw it. I cry a lot lately.” Your chest aches. “I thought it would be easier by now. I thought it wouldn't hurt as much but -” he cuts himself off. Neither of you speak for a few minutes, sitting in silence as the thoughts whirl around your head. 

“Y/N/N?” The use of your nickname has you humming questioningly. He hadn't called you that in nearly a year. Whatever it is you thought he might say, nothing could have prepared you for the next words out of his mouth. 

“Why don't you love me?” He doesn't sound sad, but his tone tells you he's given up, and you can feel your heart shatter. You stay silent, unsure of whether or not he even wants you to answer. You know it was the right decision when he keeps talking. “Like, why him? Why not me? I love you, did you know that? You know that. I told you, right? You're so pretty Y/N/N, did you know? And you're funny. So funny. And my friends like you, my friends never liked girls I brought around before you moved to Calgary. I didn't like them either - isn't that weird? I don't know why I even bothered. It was always you. Even when we were kids.” 

You freeze your movements at that, holding your breath and waiting to see what he says next. 

“I mean, I didn't like, know that, yet,” he continues, words slurring slightly. “I always just thought that like, if you asked, I guess, I don't know. But it's always been you. But you kept picking him and I just wanna know why I wasn't enough for you, you know? Elias keeps telling me I’m being dumb and shouldn't be mean to myself or whatever but like, you're it for me, and I just want you to love me like you love him.”

“Matty…” you start, but you're interrupted by a squeaky hic from Matt. You stare at each other for a moment, before the two of you burst into giggles. 

“I have the hiccups,” Matty snickers, one hand coming up to grab yours. He intertwines your fingers together, squeezing as your laughter dies down. “God, I love you. You probably don't wanna hear that huh? Well, I missed you. So much.” 

“I missed you too Matty,” you lean down to whisper the words against his forehead, kissing the spot gently. “I wish you would've let me explain.” 

“Why?” He asks, scrunching his nose. “You love him don't you? I promised to help you and I-” his tone falters for the first time since he got to your place, and he pulls his hand away from yours. “I did what I promised and I thought - I thought maybe when you saw that I loved you like you wanted him to that maybe you'd realize. I thought maybe if I didn't tell you about Autumn you'd finally see that it was me that loved you this whole time. But then you just, you left when you found out and I - I’m sorry, Y/N. I should have never kept it from you. But it's always been him for you right?” 

“Not always,” you say quietly. “Not since last year.” 

Matt pulls away from you, staggering for a moment from dizziness as he stands up too quickly. 

“You can't say that!” he cries desperately, tugging at his hair. “You can't say that to me when you're - when Brady - you and him -” 

“Me and him, what, Matty?” you stand up as you ask, taking a step towards him and grabbing his collar to make him look at you. “Me and Brady, Matt, we’re not - I didn't mean for this to happen.”

“I know,” Matt murmurs, eyes flashing to your lips before he squeezes them shut. “I didn't mean for it to happen either.” 

“He's still my best friend.” Matthew’s eyes fly open at the statement. 

“Wha-what do you mean?” His voice is shaky and uncertain, but there's an unmistakable hint of hope. “Last week - at - at the game?” 

You open your mouth to reply, finally say what you've been meaning to for so long and - Matt sways where he stands, his hand flying to cover his mouth as he turns on his heel and runs. You follow him quickly into the bathroom as he falls to his knees in front of the toilet just in time to retch out the contents of his stomach. 

You rub his back gently, murmuring sweet things in his ear when his stomach has finally stopped heaving. He coughs a few times before slumping over to the side, head lolling back weakly. You clean him up as much as you can and flush, attempting to help him up. You struggle slightly as his 6’2 frame slumps against you. 

“Matty, you gotta help me out here,” you nudge him gently, “I can't carry you, bubs, c’mon, stand up okay?” 

He mumbles something about how tired he is, but still stands up as straight as he can. With Matt’s arm around your shoulders, you manage to get him to your bed, letting him slip out of your grasp as he collapses on your bed. You turn to leave the room but a soft groan from your bed stops you. 

“Please don't go,” Matt whines softly, grabbing your hand, eyes shut as he lies still over the sheets. “Please.” 

“I won't,” you brush his hair away from his forehead affectionately. “I just have to go turn off the lights and get you some water okay?” He hums in acknowledgement and reluctantly drops your hand. You turn off all the lights in your apartment as quickly as you can, grabbing a water bottle from the kitchen and a bottle of ibuprofen before going back to your room. 

“See?” you said as you placed the water and pills down on the bedside table. “Not even two minutes.” Matty grumbles “Still too long” under his breath and you snort in amusement. You pull his arm so that he's sitting up on the bed, kneeling in front of him. His eyes flutter open, blurry for a moment before focusing on you. A dopey smile spreads on his face as he watches you take off his shoes and socks. 

“C’mon, arms up,” you instruct, rolling your eyes when he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at you. “Matt, you have to go to bed, arms up.” He sighs and relents, letting you change him out of his clothes without any more suggestive looks. You manage to get him into a pair of sweats and t-shirt he’d left months ago. 

“Is this mine?” he asks tiredly, smiling softly when you nod. “Thanks for keeping it.” 

“I don't steal your clothes just for the fun of it you know, I actually wear them?” you tease, pushing his shoulder lightly. He lets himself fall backwards when you do that, sighing as he pulls the sheets over him. 

“You'll stay, right?” he whispers into the dark room after a moment. “Even if you kick me out in the morning, and Brady beats me up again, right now just, please don't leave me again.” 

“I’m right here, Matty,” you reassure him, scratching lightly at his scalp. “I promise I'm not going anywhere.” 

“Y/N/N?” 

“Matt, what part of you need to go to sleep don't you understand?” 

“I know lemme just -” he rolls over to his side to face you, resting his cheek against the palm of his hand. He stares at you for a few moments, blinking slowly to try and fight the exhaustion. “I'm sorry for fucking everything up.” Before you get a chance to respond, Matt is out cold. 

-

When your eyes flutter open a few hours later, Matt is still dead asleep. It's times like these you're thankful for your body being used to waking up semi-early. You figured while Matt sleeps his hangover away you could make him breakfast, and maybe actually have a long overdue talk. 

You're flipping the last piece of french toast when you feel eyes on you. You turn to see Matt standing awkwardly in the entrance to the kitchen. He seems hesitant, closed off, and you notice he’s wearing his clothes from the night before. 

“Hey, good morning,” you smile gently at him, “I was just making some -” 

“I should go.” The words are abrupt, and they feel more like a knife to the gut than a slap to the face. “I'm sorry about last night, it won't happen again.” 

With that he's turning towards the door but really - you've had enough. 

“Sit. The fuck. Down.” 

He spins around quickly, eyebrows furrowed into a deep frown. “I really shouldn't be he-” 

“No!” you shout angrily, ignoring Matt’s taken-aback expression. You transfer the last piece of french toast to the place and turn off the stove, taking a deep breath. “Do you remember anything about last night?” you ask quietly. 

“Not much, bits and pieces.” 

“Well you're not walking away from me again,” you hiss, pointing at the dining room table. It’s already set, the only thing missing being the plates of french toast and eggs in your hands. “Sit.” 

Surprisingly, Matt does, watching you carefully as you set the plates down and sit. 

“Why didn't you tell me about Autumn?” you ask slowly, watching as he tenses, sitting up straight. “Tell me the truth.” 

He's silent for a moment, opening and closing his mouth as he tries to get the words out. “I was sick of seeing him hurt you,” he finally admits. “I watched him hurt you for so long, Y/N, I held you while you cried and I - I never want to be the one to make you feel like that.” 

“It hurt more when Brady said you knew.” Matt grips the edge of the table so hard his knuckles turn white. “And then you said that you loved me and - we’d spent so long trying to get me to tell Brady how I felt that I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what else to do except walk away.” 

“I know,” he says quietly. “I'm sorry.” 

“I know,” you repeat. 

Matthew clears his throat, eyes focusing in his lap as he says his next words. “Living without you is the worst thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. And I know it’s my fault. It’s all my fault. And I’m sorry.” A tear slips down his cheek and you hesitate for a moment, before reaching out and brushing it away with your thumb. You tilt his head towards you, taking in the defeated expression on his face. He keeps talking. “I should have - I shouldn't have told him for you, I shouldn't have told you that I loved you and I - god, Y/N, I’m so fucking sorry for everything.” 

“You didn't let me explain last week either,” you remind him.

“I know,” he says, “He just - he said -”

“I know what he said,” you cut him off, “Matt, when you saw me and Brady in December-” 

“I really don't wanna hear about you and Brady’s-” 

“Shut up, Matt!” You know you're probably being too harsh on him, but you're so incredibly tired of feeling like there's something - someone - missing, and you need his stubborn ass to just listen to you. “Brady and I are not together.” Matt’s mouth drops open, before he frowns. You know what he's going to say and you speak before he can. 

“I didn't just fuck him just because Matt, we were - we were testing the waters, okay?” You pause for a moment to try and discern his reaction. When he says nothing, you take a deep breath and say what you've been meaning to for too long. “It didn't work, Matt. Brady is my best friend but, he's not it for me.” 

Matt’s eyes are wide, cheeks reddening with every passing second. He grabs a piece of toast and shoves half the thing in his mouth. He chews for a moment, swallows, and then clears his throat. 

“He's...not it for you?” You shake your head. 

“And…?” 

You laugh, reaching for his hand. “And you are, Matty. It just, it took me a little longer than it should have to figure it out.” 

Matt seems frozen in place, unsure of what his next move should be. Instead of speaking he wolfs down the rest of the toast. 

“So you mean to tell me,” he stands, pacing in front of you, “that Brady was fucking with me?” 

“Of course he was fucking with you,” you said exasperatedly. “It’s Brady. He's a dumbass though so he fucked with you over something that was causing you real pain. I - I was causing you real pain. And myself. And I’m sorry.” 

Matt freezes, turning on his heel to face you. 

“Say it,” he says, reaching a hand out to you.

A grin spreads across your face as you take it, letting him pull you up until you were standing chest to chest with him. He looks down at you with bright, hopefully blue eyes. He's already leaning down to meet your mouth with his when you say it. 

“I love you too, Matty.”

fin (sort of)

[lululawrence]

Annual Writing Self Evaluation

Thank you for the tag @louandhazaf!!! I’m honestly clutching my chest that you tagged me, so thank you xxx especially since i love this little self eval that i think @juliusschmidt came up with all those years ago and we just keep perpetuating it haha

this... is going to get long, though. since it asks me to list my works published this year and that is 24. so. here goes.

1. List of works published this year:

Swerve the Handshake (Nick/Louis)

Need So Much of You (Harry/Louis for @onedirectionbigbang)

You're A (Total) Distraction (girl!direction and hybrid Harry/Louis for @wallsficfest)

Always Keep You Next To Me (Greg/Louis for @wallsficfest)

With Your Hand In Mine (Nick/Louis for @wallsficfest)

Smells Like Omega Spirit (Harry/Louis for @1daboficfest)

If Only We Wish Hard Enough (Harry/Louis for @disneydirectionfest)

Political Pizza (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Talk the Night Through (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Wrinkles (Harry/Louis for @1000feelingsfics)

Would You Be My Girlfriend? (girl!direction Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Lately You've Been On My Mind (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Don't Want It Any Other Way (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

I'm Ready for the Worst (Greg/Louis for @louisandmenfest)

Loving You's the Antidote (Nick/Harry/Louis for @finelineficfest)

Do You Know Who You Are? (Harry/Louis for @finelineficfest)

Don't You Call Him (What You Used To Call Me) (Harry/Louis for @finelineficfest)

Gone Too Long (From You) (Harry/Louis co-written with @fallinglikethis for @finelineficfest)

Just Me and the Stars Can Get Lonely (Niall/Rory McIlroy for @heartbreakweatherficfest)

The Way You Bend the Rules (Niall/Rory McIlroy for @heartbreakweatherficfest)

And Then I Saw His Face (Harry/Louis for @1dtrickortreatfest)

I'mma Give You A Promotion (Nick/Louis)

What You Waiting For? (Nick/Harry for @1000feelingsfics)

(I'm Dreaming of a) One Night Inn (Harry/Louis, Zayn/Liam, Niall/Shawn)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

every time i think about this question i’ve got a different answer, to be honest. i do think my I Go Down Blazing, Feeling Like I'm Going Crazy series is probably what i’m most proud of, though. as soon as i knew @runaway-train-works was going to be hosting the heartbreak weather fic fest, i knew i wanted to write dear patience, but as the idea grew and grew and more ideas solidified and i realized what the story was turning into, i realized it was so much more than i originally thought and i needed a second song to help me fully get a solid grasp on it. in the end, it was a hard duo of fics to write, mainly because i honestly don’t know much of anything about golf, i was still trying to create fully the way soulmates worked in the world, and there’s just not all that much about rory online to find, so i was winging it haha but i’m so incredibly happy with the world i made and the fics i wrote, even if i don’t know that they’ll ever get to like 200 hits or whatever hahaha i love them.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

uhhhhh you know looking at this list of fics i have, i’m actually proud of every single one for some reason and i don’t know if there’s any of them that i’d even label as “least proud”.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

i hate this question and forget that it is on this list every year lollll let me see if i can find something i really like. okay i found one, it’s from my long grouis haha and i’m apologizing now for it being so long. you can skip ahead to the next question if you like, but i’m just incredibly proud of the banter and the way i wrote this section, PLUS those damn joggers actually happened because he posted a photo of himself wearing them in the shops on instagram and that inspired this entire thing so. enjoy. (i’ve italicized it and indented it to hopefully make it easier to skip it’s so long i’m so sorry)

“It’s safe for you to come back in here,” Louis called out as he closed his computer. 

“Thank goodness, I was getting so exhausted of hiding in your bedroom and snooping through all your shit,” Greg said as he walked out wearing a sheet mask and a pair of grey joggers that did nothing to hide what he was packing. 

Louis smirked and wanted to say something, but Greg kept going. 

“Did you know you have like five different deodorants in there?”

Louis threw his arm on the back of his couch and nodded. 

“Why?” Greg asked, throwing himself down onto the couch and placing his stupidly long legs on top of Louis’. “Who legitimately needs five different deodorants? Do they have different uses or something? Some were even women’s deodorants, so I wasn’t sure if they were your sisters’ or what. Oh, and I helped myself to one of your fancy toners. It had rosewater in it or something.”

“Well, for the deodorants I just like trying different scents and I switch them up based on my mood. And actually, the one I use most often is a women’s deodorant. It works great. Plus I smell fresh and clean like baby powder all day.” Louis shrugged. “And that wasn’t my toner. Dunno who left it. Just showed up one day and no one says it’s theirs, so I kept it. It’s quite nice, isn’t it? Lotts said it’s supposed to help even out the PH balance of my skin or some shit, but I’ll be fucked if I know what that actually means.”

“Oh, that does sound fancy,” Greg agreed, checking the time on his phone. “I’ve got five more minutes on this mask, don’t let me forget. Don’t want to leave it on so long it burns my skin off or summat.”

“Sure,” Louis said, laughing. “So are you actually wearing anything under these or are you just that excited to see me?”

“Eh?” Greg asked before looking down at his crotch. Of course, now he was sitting down it didn’t show anything. “What are you on about?”

“Stand back up and look in a mirror, mate,” Louis said, laughing. “You’re dick was trying to tell me hello a minute ago.”

“I didn’t tell it to do that,” Greg muttered as he shifted so he could stand back up again. He walked into Louis’ bedroom, and Louis could hear when he’d seen himself. “Oh my God, that’s obscene! Does it always look like that when I wear these?”

Louis laughed and walked into his bedroom to see Greg’s eyes wide as he shifted himself around and walked a bit, appalled that no matter what he did, nothing seemed to make it any less there. 

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never seen you in those. You usually nick a pair of mine,” Louis reminded him. “Do you wear them without pants often?”

“I never wear pants with these,” Greg said, rubbing his forehead. “Fuck, I’ve likely given that nan that lives below me too many looks at my cock without even realising it. They’re my softest, most favorite pair of joggers! I wear them to the shops when I’m too knackered to get fully dressed!”

As Greg continued to narrate the various escapades he’d had over the years in the joggers without even realising what he’d been doing, Louis settled onto his bed, propping himself up on his elbow so he could still watch Greg as he motioned about in distress.

When it was clear Greg wouldn’t be stopping anytime soon, Louis pulled out his phone and started filming. There was no one he could share this with, but it would be good for a laugh later on.

“Fuck, and you didn’t remind me to take off my mask!” Greg cried, rushing back into the bathroom to remove the sheet mask and do whatever else he had to do when he used them. 

Greg was proper obsessed with them, said they were relaxing and kept his skin soft. Louis just liked knowing they were one of Greg’s things, like taking regular baths with a bottle of wine and perusing various adoption websites for dogs he could possibly give a good home to.

“Sorry, love,” Louis said, as Greg walked back out of the bathroom. He really was sorry, but he also couldn’t pass up the opportunity to keep taking the piss. Greg was too much fun to rile up. “Was distracted by your big dick flopping about whilst you remembered all the good times you’d had in the joggers.”

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

i’ve had a few this year that told me they don’t usually read that pairing or they don’t usually comment on fics, but for various reasons they gave the pairing a try or wanted to comment because of something specific and those were particularly lovely. that said, every comment is so so great, they really do boost me up to see them and i need to do better with getting my anxiety in hand and responding to them regularly.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

this entire damn year, man. all of the time i’d carefully carved out for myself over the past few years to write was basically blown to shit with the pandemic, which also was so exhausting it didn’t leave me with much energy to write. but i still somehow posted 24 fics?? i dunno, dude. i think writing saved me and gave me something to look forward to, tbh.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

most of my advent fic, tbh lollll a lot that was in there wasn’t really brainstormed ahead of time, it just happened, and i forgot some of the details even because i just flat out didn’t remember what i’d put in there, so i’m STILL surprised haha i love when fics happen like that

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i always think of challenges as fun and then i look back and wonder if i was insane because i thought it would be fun to try something new but it was mostly really fucking hard haha i wrote a lot of pairings and combinations of tropes this year that i never have before as well as stretching myself with writing emotions and situations i never have before, so i’m quite proud of myself for continuing to push the envelope and try new things like that.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i mostly hope that i’ll be able to carve more time out for myself as things HOPEFULLY settle down a bit more. i might not be as impulsive when it comes to choosing things to write at that point, but we’ll see. lol

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

i... hmm. there’s a lot of people i’m thinking of right now, but it’s hard to choose just one. i think actually there were two and they were @louandhazaf and @disgruntledkittenface. i very much admire both of them for their own writing and works, but i am particularly inspired by how many pairings they write and the variety of fics they have posted. it’s definitely because of them that i’ve tried writing a lot of the pairings that i have, and that’s before you even start to look at the help they’ve given me with betaing certain fics (usually rare pairs lollll). they’re just both so supportive and open to so many things, and i am so much more open to all sorts of things because of them. i CANNOT answer this without mentioning the Write Your Way Out GC either, though. Y’all are my crew in SO many ways and you let me rely on you in every way through this past year. it really does take a village, doesn’t it?

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

lmao i’m sure. but all i’m thinking of at the moment are the tumblr posts and canon compliant shit i based the fics on, so nothing off the top of my head apparently haha

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

hell if i know. maybe just... write for yourself. i think that’s why i’m so proud of every fic i wrote this year. i really was writing for me and if others like it too? bonus. 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my big bang!!! that’s the big one. i’m so excited for it. i have a whole list of other fics, too, though. hahaha i’m also super SUPER excited for both of my omega harry fics to post hehe 

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@becomeawendybird @sadaveniren @londonfoginacup

*All answers should be about works published in 2020. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want.

[bowensbyrams]

the canada dream {02}

n/a: hey, guys! Here’s part 2 of TCD, as promised. I’m sorry it took me so long to update, my classes are back and last week was kinda hard, but here we go! Please let me know what you think <3 

Pairing: Pierre-Luc Dubois x reader

Warnings: a little bit of angst at the beginning, mentions of abusive/toxic relationship

Word counting: 2,1k

Ps: part 1 can be found here: https://royaltyofhockeylosers.tumblr.com/post/627737248109133824/the-canada-dream-01 

I realize there's something wrong the moment I find myself opening the door to my old apartment in Boston. As far as I remember, I moved to Montreal and am living with my best friend Anna... Or was it just a dream? I wouldn't be surprised, I've been dreaming on moving to Canada for a while now. I enter the living room and drop my bag on the couch, heading to my room but a noise stops me. No, not a noise. A moan. A woman's moan. I live with my boyfriend, Thomas, and as far as I know, we don't share the apartment with another girl. My heart fasten with every step I take until I'm facing the white door that leads to my room. Our room. "Faster, Tommy" I hear the girl say and my boyfriend groans, making my skin shiver "Yes just like that" "God you're so hot, baby" Thomas' voice is like a fist to my stomach and the tears start rolling down my face. Not again, please. I open the door and the scene in front of me breaks my heart into a million pieces. My boyfriend is buried into a blonde's pussy and keeps thrusting in and out of her as he sees me. "Hello, princess. Do you want to join us?" his smile is almost wicked and I can't move, I can't breath as I watch him fucking her the way he used to make love to me. The tears never stop coming down and my sobbing seems to make him want to go deeper and faster until the girl screams his name.

~~ I sit on my bed, tears running on my cheeks and my heart racing like a horse. My entire body hurts as I'm forced to remember every single scene from that damn day, unable to erase the overwhelming feeling for good. My phone pings and I reach out to check it. When my eyes catch the clock and I realize it's almost 1 p.m, my heart skips a beat. I've never woken up this late, but I guess the adventures from last night and the anxiety of moving to another country to restart my life got the best of me. Unlocking the screen, I check the message app before anything else. There are 2 texts from Tyler and 6 from Logan, so I decide to open the latter thread. L: Hey Y/N, it's Logan L: I'm sorry for last night, I hope Anna is okay L: Tyler said he invited you two to the barbecue, cool! L: Here's the address and don't worry about anything, just bring whatever you guys wanna drink L: We reeeeeally want you to come, Luc is excited to meet you two I smile at the last text which is formed by at least 10 different types of emojis. I reply saying I need to ask Anna if she wants to come and lock the screen again, leaving my bed and going to Anna's room. My best friend is sleeping like a baby, so I decide to go make something for us to eat. When I'm almost done with the spaghetti, Anna appears in the kitchen with a pout on the lips and her brows furrowed. "Good morning, sunshine" I sing and my friend groans, sitting on one of the benches by the marble island in the middle of the kitchen. “I’m not feeling sunshiny today. I feel like I’ve been ran over by a truck. Multiple times” “That’s called tequila hungover and I’m not saying I told you so...” “Nah shut up” she shushes me waiving her hand “Can you get me a pill that’ll make this go away?” Anna points at her own head and I hold back a laugh, opening one of the cabinets where she showed me the medicines were. Handing her an Aspirin and a cup of water, I go back to the stove and turn it down, taking the pan to the island. Anna takes the pill and sighs, looking at the food. "Is this a dream?" my best friend asks when I put a plate in front of her and lets out a small moan when she takes the first bite "Honestly, if I had known you could cook like this, I would've invited you to move in with me way earlier" "Oh, don't get to used to it. My cooking knowledge is resumed to spaghetti, lasagna and burgers" "Who said we need more than that to survive?" Anna looks at me with an offended look making me laugh. We're half way through our meal until I decided to tell her about the barbecue. "So Logan and the other boys are hosting a barbecue today and they want us to come. It'll be just us, them, Tyler's girlfriend and that other guy they were telling us about yesterday. You in?" "As long as Logan keeps his alcohol to himself, I see no problem" she replies and I can't hold back my laugh. "Hey you're the one who suggested you guys should see who could get more shots in less time" "I never thought he'd say yes! That guy is crazy!" she snaps back and I laugh even harder. "Okay so we're going?" "Yeah, I guess so..." "Cool, I'll let him know then" * "What's up?" Anna asks as we're getting ready to leave. She's in my room, laying down on my bed as I finish putting some make up on. I'm wearing a long sleeved shirt with a jeans skirt and snickers since the weather gods decided to send a chill night to break the living hell temperatures of the day. Me and An spent the entire day laying on the floor and drinking an absurd amount of water while watching the latest episodes from The 100. "What?" I ask and look at her through the mirror. "You have a worried look on your face. What's wrong?" "Nothing... I just have a weird feeling that I should know something but I don't" I reply and focus on applying my mascara. "You're weird, Y/N. Are all americans like this?" "Hey!" I throw a pillow at her, making her laugh. As I finish everything and grab the beer packs we're taking, we're all settle to go. On our way to go, I open my Instagram and start scrolling through my feed - which is the most diverse thing in the world. It’s the perfect balance of hockey, singers, food, friends and family. I look at some of the posts before heading to the Story part. I slide through a couple until one catches my attention. It’s the same bar I was yesterday and I can see Anna in her white and red dress in the corner. I check the user and my heart skips a beat when I realize who it is. Pierre-Luc Dubois, one of the few hockey players I follow on Instagram. He plays centre for the Columbus Blue Jackets, my ex's home team, and my heart aches a little when a memory gets me. "Hey, I just saw you follow PLD on Instagram" Thomas' voice reaches me before he appears on our room. "Yeah, I've been following him for a while now, Tom" I say and go back folding the clean clothes. "Why?" he asks, making me look at him a little confused. "Why what?" "Why are you following him?" "Why not? He's a hockey player and I like him. What's wrong?" "Oh you like him? What, do you think he's gonna fuck you if you ever meet?" his aggressive tone makes me blush and my heart fasten. "Why are you saying this? I'll never meet him, Thomas, he's like super famous and lives in Ohio" "Exactly, so stop following him. I don't approve it and I don't like the fact that you're following these hockey guys. They're all assholes" my boyfriend says before storming out of our apartment, leaving me to try and understand what the hell just happened. I never stopped following Pierre's profile, but that was never needed since I caught Thomas in bed with another girl just two weeks after his little scene. That was three months ago and now I was living in Montreal with my best friend, trying to rebuild my life after what he did to me. I look at Pierre's story again and can't help the weird feeling that takes over my body. I knew he was French-Canadian, but I definitely did not know he lived in Montreal during the off season. I guess I never took the time to check on any player's personal lives. I mean, expect for Mitch Marner's but that's just because I really wish we were best friends but anyways. "Hey, you're on Pierre-Luc Dubois' Insta Story" I says and Anna almost throws the car out of the road. "I'M WHAT?!" Definitely should've waited until we got to the house. "Yeah, he was at the same bar as we yesterday and posted a photo of the dance floor. You appeared in the corner" "Wait... You're telling me that that fucking greek god was at the same bar as we and none of us saw it? Are you kidding me?" she says and the annoyance in her voice makes me laugh. "Yep, that's what I'm saying. What are the odds?" "I mean, they're high since his parents live here, but still.. We weren't even at the best bar of the city" "Maybe he is low key and was trying to avoid the crowds" "Yeah, probably" she agrees and changes focus. I observe the streets, filled with big houses with even bigger yards. "I guess Pierre is not the only rich who prefers underground bars..." I comment and Anna snorts, looking at the mansions. “Should’ve guessed he had money when you told me the neighborhood we were heading to, but damn” Anna says and all I can do is nod in agreement.

*

I was worried we would be late, but when we get to the house, Tyler and his girlfriend, Kate, are the only ones waiting for us. "Hey, guys" Ty greets us and takes the beer packs from me "Logan went to buy more beer, Jesse backed down and Luc is late as always" he leads the path to the backyard and I have to keep myself from dropping my jaw. The house is huge but the backyard is unbelievable. There's a deck where the grill is, a pool with a pool house and a soccer court. "This is my girlfriend Kate. Kate, these are the girls we told you about, Anna and Y/N" "Hi!" the curly haired and green eyed girl says and we down by her side. A couple of minutes go by and we're all getting along pretty well until Anna looks at her phone and sees that it's dying. "I think i have a charger in the car, I'll be right back" She leaves and only two minutes later my phone pings. A: don't freak out and act normal but i just bumped into logan outside Y/N: so what? A: pierre is with him My eyes go wild and before I can process what I just read, Logan's voice reaches me. “Look who I just found outside!” I look up asking God for Anna to be messing with me, but she's not. Pierre-Luc fucking Dubois is standing between Logan and my best friend, how's acting like there's nothing wrong. I try my best to do the same and I guess it worked since no one is looking at me with funny looks. "Luc, this is Y/N and Y/N, this is Luc" Tyler introduces us and Pierre shakes my hand with a small smile. "Cool, now you two know each other. Can we eat? I'm starving!" Logan says heading to the grill. “We’ve known each other for less than a day and I’ve already noticed that’s a constant mood of yours” Anna snaps back following him with Pierre right after her, leaving me, Kate and Tyler behind. "You look like you just saw a ghost" Tyler says getting my attention. "I'm just thinking why none of you bothered to tell me that your friend looked like that" I snap back, making Kate laugh. I decide not to mention the fact that I'm a hockey fan and know the NHL player that has just walked past us. "Nah, the minute he opens his mouth you'll see he's a dork" Kate says and heads to the area where the rest is. I follow her with Tyler right by my side and asking God to help me out here.

[honeycashmere]

Love On The Brain

Warnings: Smut, face fucking, a little rough, angsty, a little possessive side to Chris

Summary: You ever been in a relationship where both you and your boyfriend have an attitude but love each other like crazy and sort of break up almost all the time only to make up all the time with some freaky sex? Yeah me too. Chris breaks up with unnamed ofc, a young feisty women. Her mind debates as she thinks of the time she was better on her own. After a stormy confrontation at her house she realizes a couple things...

Note: I posted this on my AO3 acct (@ goodonesgo) on August 14, 2017

It has been eight months since Chris broke up with me and within those eight months I found out, he began dating some no-name actress he was working with. He said it was because I was “too busy” and that going the distance would be “too hard right now” … Really? Real love is about sacrifices. I had to stand my ground which I’m sure no one he’s ever dated has done. I had to stand up for myself but I slightly bashed him in the process. Stating that I didn’t want to take a five month break to not do anything with my career like him. Yup I threw the shade. I mean I was a savage, not trying to be degrading just simply stating the facts. I was Miss Petty but what did he expect? I could’ve said worse. What little I said was enough to infuriated him. We knew how to push each other’s buttons when we wanted to.

Not only that but he knew what he was getting himself into. I’m working hard so hard right now to have stable future and to take care of my family for life. Money doesn’t just grow on trees. I mean, they do but they go through a lot to get into my pocket. I couldn’t stop my life and jump whenever he said jump. I know what you’re thinking, I sound like those crazy ambitious women who wear the balls in the relationship but that’s not the case at all. Yes it’s true, I want a long lasting career but in a relationship I want to take the back seat. I want to be taken care of because I spend a lot of time taking care of everyone in my life. Chris had brought so much happiness into my life and some stress when we broke up. I wish he was just more understanding. Maybe it was our age difference.

Every time I try to convince myself that I am not better on my own. That maybe just maybe I really do need someone to rely on, the world shows me something. Whether it was an ex friend’s true colors or another loser I had fallen for. The universe gives me signs. I’m better on my own. It was all unfair. Because if he were in my shoes and our relationship had to take the back seat so he could achieve his goals and dreams than I would of supported it. Instead he dumped me and within four months started dating his co-star on a new movie.

I had just finished a movie and headed home to my little place in LA. I was going to hang out with friends and possibly have a spa day tomorrow. After having to fly for over six hours, all I wanted was a pizza and a Netflix binge. It was 2 o’clock in the afternoon and I was already in my oversized t-shirt and shorts. I couldn’t be happier though. Sounds lame right? Honestly it is going to be the perfect Saturday evening with no interrupt-

Brrrp Brrrp

Shit. I forgot to turn off my phone. I quickly glanced down and saw his name. I feel myself freeze. We haven’t talked in months. What does he want?

Hey can we talk? Heard you were in town. This was 20 minutes ago.

The last text message said: I’m outside. 2 minutes ago.

I can’t believe this mother- I look out my window to see his car in my drive way. I went to open my door and muttered, “What the fuck?” as I saw Chris get out of his car. I stood in front of my door way, definitely dressed incorrectly to entertain a uninvited guest. “What do you want?” “No hello?” he brushed the back of his head with his finger tips looking timid as ever but then noticed my outfit or lack there of. He started looking me up and down.

(Just imagine Chris showing up to your house looking like THIS.)

“Hello. What do you want?” I repeated, this time trying not to sound too brash. He stood there tall, his hands tucked into his jean pockets, the fabric of his shirt tightened in right places, making his muscles visible even hidden under… Shit. I need to stop. “I just wanted to talk to you. It will be short,” he said probably trying to reassure my already suspicious thoughts. “Can I come inside?”

“Hmm short talks don’t usually mean an invitation inside someone’s house.” I couldn’t stop myself. I was always a smart ass which is why Chris liked me in the first place. I broke face. I slightly laughed after my own comment, letting him know it was kind of okay to come into my house. I’ll probably regret it later.

“I thought you hated me,” he said, taking a look around my house. “I’m just trying to be polite. Now tell me why you came here.”

Chris paused as he looked at a picture sitting on my bookshelf causing him to sigh. It was a picture of us and his family at Disney World. He stayed silent, looking at our photo. Probably remember the story behind it, filling his mind with nostalgia. Which he loved by the way. I interrupted his thoughts by casually saying, “I haven’t been home in months. I didn’t take anything down yet.”

He turned his head and looked at me. “That’s actually why I wanted to see you, I wanted to talk to you about everything. Life has been crazy.” I felt like I knew where this was heading. I couldn’t let him charm me. “You can’t do this,” I said crossing my arms. “You can’t end it the way you ended it and expect me to be your shoulder to lean on. We can’t be friends.” By the look on Chris’s face I could tell he was offended. “That’s kind of harsh.”

“Breaking up with me and dating someone you worked very closely with… Someone you told me ‘not to worry about’… is kind of harsh.” I knew that had to hurt a pinch if not a slap but it was the truth. When I found out… I couldn’t believe it. All my friends tried to convince me it was a ‘rebound’ girl but I knew better… He stared at me in disbelief that I went there. “Sooooo we can’t be friends?” His voice went up in protest.

“No, we can’t,” I said firmly. I began walking towards the front door. I was ready to open it and hopefully get him out of my house. Chris took a deep breath trying to calm his frustration with me. “After everything we’ve been through… I wanted to say I’m sorry. I made a mistake... We broke up already.” “I don’t see how that changes anything.” What does he expect me to do? Just pretend this didn’t happen?

“She isn’t you.”

I visibly roll my eyes at him. Did he really just- I can’t. Did he really just say that? My annoyance grew. I could feel the heat of my frustration grow within me. “Yeah okay but you did what you did, and it doesn’t change anything.” “Can’t you forgive me?!” Chris asked genuinely.

“It’s not that easy.” I can hear the sudden raise in my voice. I tried to calm it. I took a deep breathe and reached for my next word. "You made me feel really bad... for being driven. You know that’s who I am. I want a successful career before a family. I’m young and you made me feel bad for wanting what I want. Then you dated that bitch.”

“Yeah and you made me feel bad for wanting to spend time with my family and taking a break.” He returned the attitude.

There was a moment of silence. I mustered up the courage and walked towards him. “It’s over, I don’t even know why you’re still here. This doesn’t change the fact that you broke us up.” I whispered. I felt both of his hands grip my arms firmly. “But I want to fix this. I want this. I should of been more understanding. You were right, you told me from the beginning what you wanted and I stupidly thought otherwise.”

He reached for the back of my neck pulling me into his kiss. I gasp and try to fight it but I can feel myself wanting his lips against mine. A feeling of passion I missed. The smell of his cologne, his firm muscular body, even the touch of the fabric on his shirt made me want this all back. My body began relaxing, getting familiar with his again. The heat coming off our bodies. Come on, stop. I hear my internal voice say. I forced myself to pull away from his strong grip.

“You can’t do this,” my voice cracks. Oh god. I really didn’t mean to sound so vulnerable.

“I only love you,” he said.

I looked away from his gaze. I knew I still wanted Chris. What I didn’t know is if I’d be able to take him back that easily. But he left me high from one kiss, like inhaling the first puff of thick smoke. “I don’t know what you do to me,” I say desperately.

Within a second I was pulled into him by his strong arms again. He rested his forehead against mine, breathing me in, and holding me so tightly I couldn’t even push him away if I tried. I looked up, staring at those blue eyes that usually hid when he was hurt but they were as visible as ever.

“Please,” he whispered. I should of said “leave” or “go“ but all I could get out was, “Fuck.” His lips crashed into mine and my body was lifted into his arms. He carried me from my living room to my bedroom, it all felt so familiar to me. Chris laid me on to my bed, quickly climbing on top of me.

“You’re mine.” He face turns into a determined expression with a small smirk creeping.

“Wow,” I rolled my eyes and laughed at him only making him chuckle. His hand pulled away my shirt, throwing the fabric on to the floor, exposing my skin. He started running his fingers up my side which made me tingle surprisingly.

“You think I’m kidding?” He smirked, his voice became low. “You belong to me.”

I couldn’t help but grin. He did charm me again with his delicious determination. “Then fucking prove it,” I said.

Chris kept that smirk on his face, scooting lower, pulling my bottoms off so more skin would be exposed. He kissed my thigh. I felt his finger hooked my panties, pulling them off of me quickly. The urgency to feel his touch was overwhelming. I lifted myself up using my elbows to watch what he would do next. One hand caressed up my body towards my mouth. He let two of his fingers slip into my mouth, letting me suck and lick them. Moistening them as began kissing my other thigh.

Chris slightly caressed my opening before slipping his two wet fingers inside of me. He didn’t even wait for my to response, they were fully inside of me and I gasped at the feeling. I couldn’t even remember the last time we've touched. He moved his face closer to my clit. I could feel the heat from his breath on my skin. How I wanted him to fuck me soon… instead his tongue found it’s way to my clit causing me to let out a moan.

I tilt my head back enjoying the pleasure he was giving me. How I wanted him to leave, how I wanted him to stay. He knew what to do to drive me crazy… He worked fingers in and out of me. I could tell from his sensual movements that he was determined to make me cum. I felt another finger find it’s way inside me and I looked up at him in shock. I was enjoying the stretch. I orgasmed so fast. Panting, moaning uncontrollably, and then I laid there flat enjoying my endorphins as I was wildly aroused awaiting his next step. I watched him quickly remove his clothes. Chris came up to my face hovering over me with a satisfied boyish smirk. He gave me a quick kiss too.

My orgasm was so good I was ready to please him as well. “I want you to fuck my face.” His eye widen at his smirk got bigger. “And then I want you to fuck me.”

Chris eagerly stood on my bed as I sat up on my knees. His cock was already erect. Right in front of me. I look up at him smiling giving his head a lick before taking him in my mouth. I felt his hands already on my head guiding me before he started thrusting into my mouth. His pace was steady and my mouth became messy. All my moisture coating his cock as he fucked my face and some of it dripped out of my mouth. He would stop sometimes only to let me catch my breath but I was ready. I was ready to be fucked. I grab his hands from my head, moving them away as I laid on the bed on my stomach, turning my head to look up at him. I arched my back a little, letting my ass stick up a bit.

Chris came down, grabbing my cheeks and massaging them with his strong hands even giving them a kiss. “God I’ve missed this. Your ass is so beautiful,” he gazed at it before giving it a nice slap causing me grin because I loved the mixture of pleasure and a little pain. Het got behind me, rubbing the tip against my entrance before sliding into me where we both moaned experiencing our mutual pleasure. I keep my eyes on Chris as he begins thrusting deeply in and out of me. His lips pressed against my shoulder. He steadied his breathing making sure as he thrusted in and out of me that I really felt him. My body almost forgot how good his cock felt. It would even feel more incredible if I was on top of him.

“Get off,” I said. Chris looked confused but did as so. “Lay down baby.” He complied liking my change in mood. I give him a kiss before getting on him reverse cowgirl style. I knew he would enjoy the view since his hands touched my ass as soon as I slid down on him. I began grinding on him really letting his hard cock hit me in the right spot. From the feeling of Chris’s hands gripping my skin to his pleasurable groans I could tell he was enjoying it too. I throw my head back really riding him, taking my time to build my orgasm. God it felt so good. I could feel Chris’s hands slap my ass cheeks again. I knew he was close and being patient with me. Enjoying the work I was putting in until I felt him sit up, grabbing me on top of him. My back to his chest, my legs spread and his legs bent. He began thrusting into me, his fingers finding their way to my clit as he began to rub but he gets impulsive again. He changes the script and flips me over so I’m on my stomach. He pulls me up so my back is arched and our bodies reconnect as he starts thrusting harder into me. My hands grip the sheets, my mouth bites the pillow as I’m being fucked roughly by him. One of his hands pushed my head into the pillow with the grip of my hair and the other hand wondered my body. I feel him reach for my clit wanting to make sure I cam before him and when I did I screamed in orgasmic bliss. I laid completely flat, ready to pass out in that moment but Chris wasn’t quit done.

I look back at him, completely flustered with a happy grin. I could see in his eyes his concentration and steady pace. His chest was pounding and turning red. His body was glistening from sweat, his muscles were looking so… tight. I felt myself more turned on than before. “Fuck me harder. I want to feel you cum.”

Chris made eyes at me. Smirking at my directions but he did so. He. Fucked. Me. So. Hard. Thrusting into me as if he were going to physically nail me to the bed. I felt his cock reach so deeply inside of me and out of me a hundred times causing me whimper. He gripped my hair a little tighter with his last few thrust as he came. He immediately fell next to me on the bed and laid there in silence for a while as we caught out breaths.

“I’m so fucked,” I said. “What’s wrong?” “No, I’ve been sooooo fucked,” I said while attempting to get up. I wanted to clean myself up and probably take a shower but Chris bursts out laughing and pulled me into his chest. He kept me there tightly which was probably a good thing cause I start to feel how sore I was going to be in the morning. “Does this count as break up sex?” I wanted to know.

“No, because we aren’t breaking up this time,” he said. “Whoa, you think it’ll be that easy?” I looked up at him amused. “Well your heart is connected to mine,” Chris said with the most satisfied silly grin. “Oh cornball. Don’t think it’ll be that easy. You think one good fuck is enough?” Chris chuckled. “How about a few more fucks then?” He pulled my face closer to him, giving me the most passionate kiss. It was all so easy for me to fall for him again within a matter of moments. “Who’s gonna fuck you like me?” I gasped, slapping his chest. Who does he think he is?

“Oh by the way, people don’t belong to me,” I said running my hands over his arm. My fingertips feeling the veins that ran up his arms. “I don’t care. You’re mine. That ass... is mine.” I burst out laughing, grabbing the pillow behind my head to hit him. “Get over yourself.” I tried to hit him more a few times but he gripped his arms around me even tighter.

If there was such a thing called “Dick Whipped” that is what I am.

[echo-three-one]

Good day tumblr.

I'm migrating to using google docs for writing and I found something I wrote that was unpublished.

It's like an OC x OC because I wrote this at the time I got invested in A LOT of contemporary romance books.

It's also NSFW, It is a one-shot and I don't know how I made that last sentence. I'm single since birth and maybe had a couple of girls in my life but never really made it together. Enjoy? I guess

Matt

I released yet another deep sigh as I tossed my controller on the couch. It has been two months since my heart got shattered but I still haven’t found the chance to move on. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to, that’s why my mind has been tormenting me ever since. Even my best bud gave up on me when after all those “conventional ways” he knew failed, evidenced by me still visiting her profile page every now and then. Heck, I even have her notifications of whenever she posts.

My phone vibrated and that specific ding means that it’s an Instagram post from her. Yes, call me crazy and all because I still am even after all this time. She posted a picture of a plane ticket and a passport to whoever knows where, it’s one of those photos that didn’t contain her face, meaning, it’s a personal and unsponsored post and it’s something she wants to express. See, I’m still clearly not over her. I groan in frustration and threw my phone beside the controller, as I slide down from the couch down to the floor like a kid who didn’t get the toy he wanted for Christmas. I lazily reached for the tub of ice cream on the coffee table beside me and looked at it, it’s half melted and sad, Just like me. I got up and brought back the sad dessert to my refrigerator and as soon as I got back, I saw myself on the mirror. Fuck, I looked horrible, my hair was a bird’s nest and my beard grew thicker each day. I’m actually glad my work doesn’t involve me showing up in an office because, I could get used to this look, I wanted the world to see how broken I am right now, I wanted her to see what happened to me. I surveyed around the room, it was a mess. Empty beer bottles sprawled over the living room, while chips were all opened and half eater on every chair of the room. The only good thing is that the mess only accumulated on one specific room, I don’t sleep on my bed anymore because I could still smell her on the sheets, and I never wanted that to leave.

A few more days passed and I finally did something not involving gloating: I ordered a cleaning service for the living room and specifically told them not to touch any other room. The past days reminded me that there’s more to life than her and I actually went outside today, grabbing my camera and slipping on my trusted hoodie which I use for work, I let the cleaning team fix my mess as I unwind by doing what I am really passionate about, taking pictures.

My best friend, Patrick, was actually proud of my decision, wishing he could support me but was stuck in his wife’s family gathering. I felt guilty that I didn’t talk to him the past months as I gloated, hearing someone who actually cares for me was a good feeling, especially after locking myself from the world after a miserable break-up.

As soon as I got to the park, I started taking simple pictures, flowers, children playing, flowing streams, and skyscrapers. It actually feels good to be back outside, seeing the beauty of the world not from a glass screen. I flipped through my camera roll and examined each photo I took. They really weren’t that good, but mixed with a nice back story, It could be a killer post. I chuckled as I rotate the dial of my camera and went a little too far back and I froze in the middle of the park. It was a picture of me and Bianca, my ex-girlfriend, whom I missed so much. It was taken on a gazebo at the park we visited back then and a 7 year old kid took the photo, We were travelling around so if the two of us were In a photo, it means we asked someone to take it for us. The said photo was where I saw myself smile the widest. She was wrapping her arms around me from behind and my eyes were closed, smiling while she was looking at me and laughing.

A single drop fell on the screen and I woke back to my senses, did I just cry? I looked around and saw children running about as I looked up into the sky and saw dark clouds forming. So much for going outside…

That evening, I actually had the inspiration to work. With the storm brewing up outside, sending tendrils of lightning across the sky, I decided that It was the perfect set-up to get something done. Hours flew by as I managed my schedules and checked my e-mails letting my clients know that I was alive and just hit a rough patch. I didn’t even realized that my entry got nominated on a competition I signed up for earlier that year, which was probably the little ray of sunlight on my gloomy skies. Just this evening, I managed to book 3 photo sessions for next week, which might give me something to get busy on while I do the inevitable: moving on.

Later that night, my phone buzzed a familiar tone. She was calling me. Rubbing the sleep off my eyes, and making sure I’m not dreaming, I hurriedly grabbed my phone. It’s her photo. She. Is. Actually. Calling. Me.

My heart sped up and I took deep breaths. I’m not dumb. I’m going to pretend I’m over her. I’m doing this for myself.

“Hello?” I croaked.

“Hello! Is this you Matt?” her voice reignited my mind. Shit. My mind went blank.

“Uh.. Yes. This is Matt. Who is .. Who is this?” I stuttered. I’m not a great pretender, but I did my best.

“This is Bianca, your uh.. friend. We’re still friends right?” she chuckles, the sound of an intercom could be heard from behind. As I thought, she’s in an airport.

“Oh. Of course, Bianca, we are.” I scoffed. Yeah. Friends. Would it hurt you to say we’re at least ex lovers?

“Listen, um.. I badly need your help. I’m at the airport right now and they canceled my flight due to the storm. I was about to look for nearby hotels but there’s a concert right now that filled up the rooms fast. Do you mind if I stay in there for a while?” my breathing sped up. No way, she’s spending the night here?

“Oh sure sure. I’ll come pick you up there, just wait for me..” I stuttered and ended the call, so much for being able to move on, I managed to make a fool of myself yet again. Without any more hesitations, I quickly prepared myself and drove to the airport.

Bianca

“I won’t regret it.” I whispered one last time as I sat on the waiting area by the entrance, hugging my phone close as I breathed out a heavy sigh. I can’t believe I’m in this situation, it’s like fate wanted me to give Matt a proper farewell, the one with no vague explanations and quick goodbyes. I closed my eyes and braced myself as sooner or later I’d be facing him. He sounded fine over the phone, except he felt nervous.. and hesitating. Maybe he’s busy and he has to make quick changes so he could cater to me. He shouldn’t, but knowing him, he would. Everyone who knows Matt knows he’s very accommodating.

“Bianca..” a voice whispered in front of me as I opened my eyes.. Matt stood there, with an umbrella open and another one hanging on his hand. He offered his other umbrella and carried my luggage behind me. I can’t help but wonder how he’s holding up and the longer I wonder, the more shy I become knowing that I caused a part of this change. Last time I saw him, he was this slightly chubby, always freshly shaven and a smile never leaves his face. Now, he looked like he lost a couple of pounds and he hasn’t shaved in days as his stubble grew around his mouth, and he’s not fooling me with that fake smile he plastered on his face. He should know that I could see through that smile of his.

I started to feel nervous as I entered his car, although nothing much changed, the consistency bothered me a lot. It felt the same when we were together, the smell, the same things in his dashboard and even these dust settling on the floor. Did he not use his car ever since? I shouldn’t be bothered by this, but I can’t help but be curious as to what he was up to all these months.

I admired how Matt handled this situation maturely, he kept casual on his questions, evading everything that would lead to the events of two months ago. I took the chance to ask how he was doing and surprisingly, he answered quickly that he took a lot of photo sessions and how he got nominated on some indie photography award. At least that talk shook off the worry that was growing in me and gave me hope that this night will turn out great rather than a disaster.

As soon as we walked into his room, he talked about how I should feel at home since I am his guest. He talked so nonchalant it felt like he rehearsed what he said, I tried to ignore his emotionless introduction as he led me to his bedroom, I glanced around and noticed that nothing really changed during my time here, and it probably means that he’s holding up pretty well. He settled my luggage beside the bed and he grabbed a pillow and some comforters, and single-handedly carried it outside.

“I’ll be sleeping by the couch if you need something. I mean, you probably know your way around, Good Night, Bianca.” he says as he slowly shut the door, leaving me alone in his room. I slowly plopped myself into his comfortable sheets and tried to shut my eyes, but I can’t help but smell my old shampoo in his pillow. Slightly bothered, I got up and took a whiff at the pillow and realized it was my smell, I quickly grabbed the other one and caught a whiff of Matt’s scent on it. He probably doesn’t use the whole bed when he sleeps, I thought to myself, dismissing any other thoughts and tried to sleep. I shifted positions every other minute until I couldn't take it anymore. I grew curious until the point that I wanted to confront him about it. It looks like the talk we’ve both been evading should happen.

Matt

I fluffed my pillows one last time and glanced at my bedroom door for the last time. She’s in there. I muttered to myself. I wanted to talk to her one last time, maybe ask some questions and say what I feel… But that won’t happen tonight, she has a lot of things on her plate right now and has to deal with rebooking a cancelled flight, I should probably stay out of her way. I heard the door creak and I quickly got up and locked my eyes on her, as she peeks at the door.

“Is there something wrong?” I asked.

“I’m just going to get some water.” She replied as he walked to the kitchen, I can't help but let my eyes follow her as she carefully moved to the fridge. She was wearing her favorite pajamas, pink with flower prints sprawled everywhere. I smiled as our gazes met.

“Feeling comfy?” I asked.

“Yeah, what about you?” She nodded and nudged toward my direction.

“Yes.” I replied shifting comfortably on my couch, grinning like a little kid. She let out a soft chuckle and entered back to the room. I smiled as she shut the door and drifted myself to sleep.

The cold burst of air crossed against my foot and made me shiver, this wasn’t supposed to happen, did I forget to close the windows? I slowly got up and looked around, I wasn’t dreaming, my ex is still here. I peeked at the balcony and saw her staring at the moon, I saw that she scratched the pajamas and is now wearing possibly only her underwear behind that silk robe, a robe she got when she competed that one competition overseas.

“Can’t sleep?” I asked her as I offered a mug of warm milk. She looked surprised and a faint blush on her face formed as it was illuminated by the moonlight.

“Actually, yeah. Just thinking of what’s ahead.” She smiled as she grabbed the mug, wrapping it with her hands and blowing the steam away and taking a sip. “You?”

“You opened the balcony and the cold breeze kinda made me shiver.” I laughed.

“I’m sorry.” She bowed and chuckled softly. “I never knew you were that sensitive to cold.”

“Well, I wasn’t until…” I answered while I looked down on myself, emphasizing how loose my shirt was.

“Oh.. I noticed that. What happened? You hit the gym? Oh, you’re trying to impress someone! Do tell!” she asked grabbing my shirt, I could feel the shakiness in her reply, as if it was invading uncharted territory.

I sighed. “I can’t lie to you… I didn’t really want to bring this up but… I forgot to eat. When you left… You can forget that detail. I just want this off my chest, that’s all.” My heart pounded through my chest as I told her.

She pursed her lips and averted her gaze elsewhere. “I’m sorry about that…” she said but I shushed her mouth with my index finger. “You don’t have to… It’s my fault.” I said, trying to save her from recalling what she did. I didn’t want that, I wanted her to know that I’ve been trying. I continued talking, I told her about the things I learned from her, and that I was willing to move forward with my life, I wanted her to keep the details of our break up to herself, so I could evaluate on myself and become a better person. Lastly, I told her that I still loved her up to this very moment, and how it might take a while for it to slowly fade away.

A tear fell from the corner of her eye and I wiped It off with my thumb as I cupped her soft warm cheeks, her hands slowly grabbed mine and slowly guided it to her heart, I felt it pound and of course, I felt her soft breasts as she let me feel it.

“I’m still at fault for letting you go like that… I didn’t even consider how it’d affect you…” her voice croaked and I can’t help but embrace her and rub her back.

“I guess, it’s just like that sometimes, Bianca. Words don’t need to explain everything.” I whispered to her ear as I slowly accepted that we were never getting back together. I have lost the war for her heart and at least I did it with her wrapped around my arms.

She then looked up to me, reaching her arms on my cheek, gently rubbing my stubble. She then pulled my face close to hers as our lips met each other. I hesitated at first, but I’m only human and I still loved her, so as I felt her tongue beg to enter me, I tilted my head and wrapped my tongue against her, tasting her again possibly for the last time. I gripped her waist, slowly sliding my hand to her ass and held it tight pulling her body close to me. This action made her moan while she was inside my mouth and I closed my eyes wishing this moment would never end. Bianca quickly hoisted herself toward me and wrapped her legs on my hips which led me off balance. I quickly regained composure as I blindly led her to the couch and we both crashed on it while she was straddling on my lap.

We almost never had the time for sex, it was either she was too tired or I was and most of the time, she's away for trainings. If I was given the chance to rate all of our sexy moments together, this was possibly one of the best, yet it also is one of the worst, as it was the last one. Our make out session was full of soft kisses on every angle possible, smacking sounds echoed across the room along with soft pants and groans escaping from our mouths. My hands clung on to her ass most of the time, slowly rubbing her soft ass cheeks and stretching it outward during long kisses. She didn't stop me, so I started kissing her chest area as I let her perky nipples peek through her bra.

All I got from her is a smile and a sparkle in her eye saying 'go ahead' and I began to suck it and lick around her nipples, her soft moans felt rewarding as her hand guides my free hand to play with the other one. I hungrily sucked on both her nipples, changing course quickly, giving each of her breasts undivided attention. This went on for quite a while, until she moved back and pushed me back, her hand trailed through my chest, teasingly grazing through my nipples and slid down to my stomach, gripping the hem of my shirt and pulling it upward. All I did was oblige and she lifted my shirt off and tossed it behind her. She then left my chest and grabbed my shoulders, guiding me to rest my back on the couches' arm rest as she crawled towards me, giving my chest a soft kiss, slowly trailing down just below my belly button. Her eyes looked at me and our gazes met, she smiled menacingly as she grips my cock through my pants and slowly rubs it. I let out short and fast pants as she slowly yanked my pants down while I quickly pulled it off my feet and kicked it away.

Her index finger slowly circled around my shaft as she spread my precum around it and moved her mouth and began to devour it whole. My mind began to blur as I let out a huge sigh, my hand moved her hair and tucked it behind her ear. Her warm tongue welcomed my cock as it licked the shaft like an ice cream cone, then started circling around it finishing her act by going deeper into her mouth. Fuck, I wanted to cum so bad but I shouldn't, so as soon as I felt it drawing close, I yanked her hair up. She didn't flinch. I was expecting her to be mad at me, but all she did was flash a wide grin on her face and all I could ever do is slowly get up and quickly push her to the other side of the couch and pin her.

I pressed my whole body into her and my hand quickly unclasped her bra, setting her impressively huge tits free. Grabbing her breast, I quickly leaned into her mouth and kissed her angrily, growling inside her as our tongues clashed inside each other. My hand slowly let go of her chest and my mouth slowly trailed down to her dripping wet pussy, angrily pulling her panties down and tossed it behind me. I started playing with her pussy by giving it soft licks, my tongue barely touching her inner senses, then I applied a little bit pressure, followed by steady repeated licks on one area while my fingers spread open her labia.

I stopped and guided her to sit on the couch properly as I sat next to her, spreading her legs wide and let my fingers enter her, feeling the warmth and tightness of her pussy. I stopped a moan from escaping her mouth as I kissed her while my hands played inside her. I picked up the pace and all she could do was pant and cup my face, letting me kiss her as she moans inside my mouth while I continue to pleasure her using my fingers. I grinned at her and kissed her tits, my heart racing as I felt her getting excited at the effect I have on her right now.

"Oh. My. Fuck. Matt." she moaned in between pants, her voice quavered giving me the motivation to move my fingers faster, as I hear the sound of her pussy and my fingers compliment each other. She arched her back as I steadily pleasured my mouth on her right breast.

"So good.." she whimpered as I felt her wetness in my fingers and moved my lips back to hers, my fingers now moved slowly inside her. She panted and straddled herself on my lap, facing me with lust sparklin on her eyes as she gripped my cock and guided it slowly in her. Her wetness easily drenched my shaft as my mind went hazy when she quickly sat on my cock, letting out a soft yelp as she bounced on top of me. She started it slowly, letting us moan 'haa' at different intervals, as she circles her hips while slowly sitting on my cock. All I could do was open my mouth in pleasure, while looking at her maneuvering my cock like a cowgirl.

My mind will never forget this memory of her, riding on my cock and her tits bouncing in front of me while I held onto her waist. Ever since she picked up her pace, our soft 'haa's turned into loud 'aah's as the sound her ass clapping with my thighs rang on my ears. She continued to bounce as she leaned forward to me, letting our foreheads meet and eyes steadily lock in each other.

"Holy shit, you're still amazing." I whispered and all she could reply was a kiss, another long kiss while my hips met with her bounces. I felt my orgasm close, so I broke the kiss to warn her. "I'm about to c-" she cut me off with another kiss, as I felt my cock release waves of hot cum inside her, feeling her tighten me as we slowly ease the pace until it stopped. As soon as I pulled my cock, I saw her pussy drip down my cum, a smile escaping my face while I pant.

"I guess this is goodbye?" I whispered as I asked her for one last kiss, and she obliged, giving me the closure I needed to move on. Funny story is, we had more steamy sex after that, in the kitchen, on the bed and even on the floor, I even sneaked into her while she showered. But at the end of the day, I managed to delete her name from my contacts, along with unsubscribing on her notifications and washing the sheets she used to sleep on. Later that day, I looked at the sky as her plane flew past the building and took a deep breath. I guess first love never dies, but then again not all first loves are not meant for you.

[icharchivist]

hello icha!! i finally got around to finishing the stranger haha,, by which i mean i just watched it today. was veryyyy excited for it as i really like the poster design for this one. anyways. this event starting w/ the sort of portrait format or whatever / that narration is like. god. threw me right back to autumn troupe. I kind of love that the storytelling format itself is so distinct for autumn! the moment I realized it was omi I started getting teary… like oh man oh man… omi…. And the connection with him taking photos! ahh!! now that I think about it… omi kind of seems a bit like early version tsumugi, huh? also I keep forgetting this man is a college student lol. suspension of disbelief I suppose. onto the play i think like. mankai should invest in a fainting courch for tsuzuru. i also went to watch the play and 1) im betting yuki had a hell of a time costume design wise like the vines on the body? such fun costuming wise and 2) the ethical implications of whatever this play has,,, fun fun. tsuzuru was clearly having some kind of thoughts. i love zeros design and am always up for a3 characters crossdressing bc 1) i think its fun and 2) the costume design. i also dearly wish this whole thing was animated bc I feel like it’d be o fun to see taichi act as zero. or at least I hope this event gets full voiced one day... moving on to the scene where omi adds soy sauce to the paella I know it’s just like haha homare funny so lets five him a lil bit but like everyone in autumn troupe making their comments on the paella and like homare just jumping in. homare autumn troupe besties. just thinking. also the way they just r like. no no no omi it’s fine if u made a mistake!! it’s ok! we like it (you) anyways <3 it’s got it’s own special taste. something something omi’s perfectly pleasant as he is now but even if he weren’t on his a-game and was dealing with all of the biker gang stuff they would love him just as hard. another thing that got me was omi telling banri that he’ll give him something sweet so juza will stop grinding his teeth in his sleep… guys… guys you’ll give him cavities…. mb omi is a college student after all lol.

anyways when i saw the actual costumes. appreciative of them, i like the lil circuit-esque detailing on banri’s outfit, and that sakyo and taichi (nine and zero) both share that like collar detail? its very symbolic and probably also literal but its a nice way to sort of signify their relation to each other visually! also sakyo just looks nice. seeing him without glasses is so great. whoever thought up the like two mole detail for him was doing gods work.

something that confused me was ryo mistaking juza for nachi for a split second? like. does juza… look similar to nachi? or was it just that ryo only heard juzas voice and made that mistake. if it’s appearance wise too. kumon nachi confirmed. I’m joking lol bc I feel like I would’ve heard at least something abt it in one of the like small conversation comments, plus that doesnt seem like itd fit summer troupes style and kumon is for sure the wrong age… but still.

i really like how for this event, the roles for taichi and omi were kinda reversed. and taichis just so like. idk. smiley. rly lifts ur spirits. its kind of nice how this event contrasts to that cg where taichi is crying on omi. I also think like. idk. considering the story of the stranger. wolf gives zero a sense of purpose and life and I think that zero helps wolf lose his apathy. it’s about “the stranger” and the ending makes him like… not a stranger, right? because he’s got a companion. in the same way, taichi brings omi out of his emotional isolation. the picture taking! also the stickers coming back… thats such a good setup! the found family of it all!!

when he was trying to work out zeros character as soon as taichi mentioned a sharp speaking style I KNEW it was Yuki… yuki would never be as honest as zero is though lol… to me i imagine she’s got a sort of juza internal monologue feel? anyways. the taichi yuki dynamic intrigues me. havent yet decided how I feel abt it but when I do… yes. sorry that I make literally no sense. I think it’s very obvious that yuki is my fav chara kind of? I’m just. hmmm it makes me think! I’ve been monologuing to myself abt the yuki and juza dynamic lately which, to my a3 knowledge so far, doesn’t exist, but its ok bc I’ll make it exist! uhhh anyways this event was very good i liked the pacing. i think it didnt drag too hard and it really properly honed in on just omi and taichi, which was quite nice. they really did a lot for just an event!

time to listen to the event song,,, ok so. ah. i rly enjoyed just for myself it was very much to my taste so. out of curiousity i was like ok lemme look up the composer / producer AND IT WAS YUYOYUPPE....... that guy is like!!!! one of my FAV producers ever!!!!!! i know him from like. his vocaloid days and god leia is still one of my fav songs to this day...! this knowledge gives me so much joy omg!!! like wow!! wowwww!!! like i knew yuyoyuppe was out there doing other stuff (i know he worked on a lot of babymetal music which is cool) but like idk. to suddenly encounter it like this. heheh.... its so nice! made me soooo happy. going to relisten to leia now haha

WAIT ONE MORE THING. i was like "haha let me look at other songs i remember liking a lot" which. for me was rakuen oasis and don't cry. anyways. rakuen oasis is ALSO by yuyoyuppe???? oh my god!!! oh my god... sigh. feel like im in heaven.

OH HI FRIEND!! so good to see you with an a3 update!! :D

godd yeah The Stranger started so strongly and the idea to still incorporate portraits in his story was really something to make us cry!

And linking Omi and Tsumugi like this is pretty interesting :O <hat is your reasoning exactly? :O

For the fainting couch for Tsuzuru LMAO and i'm letting you know there's a webcomics that addresses it in Act 2 (hough there's no spoilers aside from the fact Chikage is here)

Im glad you liked the costume and the play!!! yeah i love the designs and it is always a blast to see them this into it, and yeaaah Tsuzuru has thoughts huh. It'll get voiced sooner than later hopefully and there we'll see more in details :3c but also that's what made the seiyuu live so fun bc they perform the songs in play cosplay and replay a bit of the play everytime and it's *chief kiss*

HOMARE AUTUMN TROUPE SOLIDARITY YES. LOVING IT.

And yeah the scene itself was so cute TwT they all want to reassure Omi and be there for him it's so sweet :( but yeah i love how you say it all, Omiimi TwT

and dLKFJDFLKJFDFD Giving Juza cavities is the price to pay for sleep i guess??

yeah agreed on the costume they all look so cool! and nice catch on how those three seem linked like that with their costumes, Yuki (and the designers) does such a good job! and god yeah for Sakyo.. yeah. He has sucha good design dLKJFDF

aND DLKFJD yeah no Juza is supposed to look like Nachi physically, but mostly his face? like i think Nachi was had green hair? we see a sprite of him in a future story, and yeah, everything is in the eyebrows. so Kumon should be safe? Omi mentions he sees a lot of Nachi in Juza, and while it is mostly due to their passions i think, the fact they're also rough looking guy with a heart of gold must play a part as well. but yeah, he does look like Nachi a bit.

and i love your deeper analysis of the event yeah!!

I feel like Taichi is really an emotional core of the troupe in the sense that is, he tends to catch on what others are feelings easily. And he uses it in the early chapters to ease off the tensions and stuff, but he was being held back by knowing he was deceiving them. So now that he's more free, he can be more of himself. but yeah i also love the contrast with how Omi was the one to help Taichi through his breakdown and guilt, and now it's the other way around, it's Taichi helping him through it. and the parallelism between the play and their dynamic is spot on imo! well said!!

and god yeah the sticker things made me cry sO HARD, and the pictures! and everything!! sobs it's such a sweet found family i'm going to cry :(

And! i love what you say about Yuki, Taichi and Juza on this one. I love that Taichi keeps bringing it back to "that childhood friend" and it's always like. so obvious who it is for us rip. But it can make you wonder if Yuki was more honest as a kiddo when Taichi knew him, though now he's clearly not. I love the mention of how Zero is more like Juza's internal speech (which, if anything is another argument about why you should let Juza wear a dress, cOWARD)

but also your mention of the Yuki and Juza thing, while i can't think of them having a dynamic per se yet, but i actually wrote a post during my reread about how i was baffled at the fact they treated Muku the same way?? like both of them tried to push Muku away because they were scared of how people would react if they say pure, sweet Muku was associated to them. And i find it fascinating because i guess those two are pretty aware of how the world see them, and it used to stop them from fully allowing them to be themselves.

I also find it relevant with the fact Yuki says in his personal song that while all of this way people judge him weight on him, he rather be himself, and "I want to love myself". Meanwhile we have Juza who's also aware of the way people judge him and it weight on him, and he wants to change himself from this person he hates, this self loathing - and in a way, he can grow in a way to be "someone" he may not hate, even on stage. I feel like those two have quite a bit in common in this way of being rejected by their peers in some sort of way.

I really want them to share some stuff at some point because there's really a groundwork on it all :(

But i'm really glad you liked that event!! agreed on the pacing and i do love what it brings to the characters! it really fleshes them out and have them move forward a little and it's pretty sweet.

AND OMG THAT'S SO COOL FOR THE SONG!! i'm so glad you liked it, but that's incredible it turned out to be from one of your fav producer!!! ahah sometimes life is like that where you end up finding the stuff you loved back into new stuff! and the fact Rakuen Oasis was from him as well... that's so cool!!! just, so so cool!

im pretty sure he has more songs going forward so i hope you'll enjoy the ride even more!!

thank you once again for sharing your thoughts about a3 :3c it always makes me so happy to see them!!!

Thank youu <3 have a good day :3c

[wexhappyxfew]

SHANNON!! HELLO MY FRIEND ☺️☺️ hope you're having a lovely day!! Okay you know I absolutely your character Death, so whatever you want to talk about with him :)

KRYSTAAAA hello my friend! I hope you are having a great day yourself! You sent this yesterday but I wanted to take my time with this as discuss one of my *FAVORITE* things about Death in this post - appearance and reasons WHY he appears this way. I know we don’t see actual images, but I try to work with the description in Landslide to give Death, in my personified way, an appearance - because in my mind he has an appearance, quite similarly to a man - LET ME STOP MYSELF WE’LL GET INTO IT BELOW HAHA!!! AW THANKS!! :,) I’m so glad you enjoy it truly, that means so much and I’ve worked to really develop Him and His character all together along with His role with Natia because it is one of the most important connections Natia holds with someone in Landslide - even though they can’t ever speak - AGH I LOVE IT!! Let’s get into it!

SO -- we are going to work with 4 general images that I’ve always envisioned Death as and I’ll really talk about WHY I have Him as such because there are reasons why these pictures are the way they are and why I decided on these pictures for Him!

Let’s solidify two things first!

(1) When I created Death in general, I wanted to make Him a male, just because I saw Death as male in my mind and for the dynamic of the story it would work best. But for a spin-off from Landslide (there may be a few!) I’ve thought about digging into another aspect which is - in this sort of fic, Death is seen in the way the seer wishes to see Death, which I think is pretty cool! There’s a reason though Natia sees Death as male....ahem...Agent Mortem I’m looking at you.

(2) The two important things to touch on with the Death I’ve created - cloaks and wings - cloaks (+hood) have been broguht up a various amount of times already for Death n the 26 chapters of posted Landslide chapters and content BUT we have yet to discuss wings. I can’t jump TOO into that yet exactly, but that is the second most important aspect of Death I’ve crafted together! Keep that in mind!

OKAY...now that we have all of that put together, let’s jump into it - 4 pictures, 4 ideas - WE LOVE TO SEE IT!! There may also be a cut somewhere below - idk where, but it’ll be there! Enjoy! 

AND AS A SIDE NOTE - THESE IMAGES ARE FROM PINTEREST SO NONE OF THESE IMAGES ARE ACTUALLY MINE OR CREATED BY ME!!! 

FIRST IMAGE: This is probably the best, accurate description and image of Death in my eyes at least - I’m sure the readers have envisioned Him differently (just imagine He has a cloak on and it’s covering His head LOL!) - but in many ways this is my portrayal of how I envision Death. Almost looking as if he is a regular man - dark tousled hair, a grey coat, dark boots - the works! But he’s quite sad, this wandering person, aimlessly moving about and he’s quite grief-filled. And so, that’s a reason I particularly love this photo because we get the head focused downward to convey this portrayal of grief and how consuming it is. I really wasn’t out to make Death this emotionless person who just takes and takes - I wanted in my portrayal to show how much pain he holds - and how he is protecting Natia with all His might from someone like Himself because He can’t bare to do His duty that He has for eternity on Natia. 

AND THE WINGS!! Okay, wings - we get more into the wings at the end of part 3 and extremely expanded in part 4 - but wings are extremely important. They are in fact black and feathered - I begin to reference him at the end of Part 3 as if he were a ‘Father of Ravens’ in a sense because of what a raven represents and for Death’s character I feel that is very true to his character specifically His role He takes in with Natia. You might even see him int he form of ravens as we come particularly out of Bastogne and the weather gets warmer - it will be very prominent. 

I would say this is my absolute favorite - if you ever need a reference - this is image is 100% what I would have crafted for Death if he were portrayed in a picture! 

SECOND IMAGE: Here is an absolute FAVORITE!!! (1) We know Natia sees Death essentially as male (for various reasons regarding Agent Mortem who literally is Agent Death or Agent of Death if we want - but that’s for another ask!) and so this I would say is a very good representation of the wings + ravens + eyes + profile of Death. The narrow-eye expression of his facial features if very prominent - Natia does much of the same - and let’s just say Death has picked that up as well. He sees the world really in blacks, whites and greys - similar to how Natia views the world because of Agent Mortem ( a morally grey character) and so I really took all of that and worked with it in this way! Natia, Death and Mortem are the mains in my mind and so they all see the world in grey - but who will break from that? They’re all connected with one another in many ways - who will break that?

But yes, in this picture, I go off the fact that in Landslide, Death will take the form of a raven as his best chance to get closer to Natia, to even try and interact with her and that is very prominent at the end of Part 3 and all of Part 4 and even some postwar! 

THIRD IMAGE: OKAY - so here is where we get into more of the ‘cloaked figure’ that encompasses Death and this image of his cloaked figure. The cloak hides quite a lot of things and one of those things are his wings - which don’t really make an appearance until the end of Part 3 for various reasons! Which I can’t say just yet :) But it also hides his face - his expressions - why might you ask does he want to particularly hide that? 

Let’s reference the most recent chapter update - Chapter 26, entitled Weapons Don’t Weep. (1) Natia is in fact a weapon, not only crafted by War, who makes his somewhat annual appearance, but also my Agent Mortem - who’s to say Death might’ve also crafted her? (2) Death and Natia have a unique connection - they can’t communicate through words, they can’t really communicate through much if you think about it - just feelings, emotions, thoughts. SO - this just adds onto evidence of how Death actually can control her a bit. The chaos that ensued at the end of Chapter 26 was a precursor to that - he can control her chaos, she can’t control his. The closing of his eyes - he uses a cloak to hide that he is abusing his power of control on her - and letting chaos warp her. NOW THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING - A MERE PRECURSOR AS STATED. We’ll get into it much later on and why, but the cloak covers wings + facial expressions for good reasoning.

AND THE HORSE YOU MAY ASK? Well...I did call Natia a dark horse right? The definition of a dark horse is “a candidate or competitor about whom little is known but who unexpectedly wins or succeeds.” Not only is Natia a lone wolf BUT she is very much a dark horse - you don’t know much but she manages to win her battles - she may not win the war, but she will wage a battle and win what she must to survive, that’s the name of the game currently. Plenty of times in discussion - it’s like Death and Natia at a game of poker, in a black room (as described by a friend!!) and that’s very real almost every chapter that is written and published - a tension continually building, awaiting to see what will happen next, and just a constant build off of that over and over again. She takes on the persona of a dark horse more often than not - she’s underestimated, never entirely trusted, yet she survives?! People start to take that into consideration, especially in Bastogne - BUT THAT IS FOR ANOTHER TIME!!!! :D

FOURTH IMAGE: OKAY NOW -- this is sort of the expected image - Death with his cloak, a cane, dark gloves, shadowed face that you can’t see. This is the image I imagine when I am writing and Death is sort of watching Natia from afar - purposely I place him in those scenarios for various reasons depending on what is happening in that time during the story. And this is the image he sort of takes on. I don’t have many notes particularly for this image, only simply the fact that this is what masks what is portrayed in the first image - it covers the wings, the facial expressions, the man that is evidently underneath and simply that a man - yet a being forever wandering aimlessly, doing his duty given for all of eternity. But I really think this is what most will remember the Death I chose to personify him by! :D

OKAY SO THIS WAS SERIOUSLY JUST SO FUN OMG!!! This is the first time I’ve used pictures to really dig into what I’m getting at with characters - especially handling a character to the capacity in which Death withholds - there’s a lot to unpack with Him! But I truly hope you enjoyed this - I’m always happy to do more of these for any of my characters - especially even War, or Natia, or Agent Mortem - I might even just do it for fun who knows - OF COURSE WHEN I HAVE TIME HAHA!!! But I really enjoyed this so thank you for indulging and enabling Krysta!!! This was super fun to give my in-depth take on someone like Death and how I decided to craft and personify him! 

[princecharmingmendes]

Just the Way You Are | Peter Mendes

Peter gets even more insecure about his feelings towards you, that you don’t even know about (Best Friends to Lovers).

* Hi! This is my first work ever on this site, so I’d love if you guys could give me some feedback or whatever, it would mean the world to me!

*Word count: 4.7k

*Warnings: mentions of sex, drinking, cursing, adorable Peter, and I guess that’s it!

*Posted: December 2nd, 2019.

                                                        -*-

“Y/N?” Peter asked breathlessly answering his phone.

“Are you okay?” She asked with her voice a little weird.

“Yeah, I was just editing some photos, really focused and only noticed my phone was ringing when it fell of my nightstand, so I had to run or you’d have reached voicemail”

“Sorry, I didn’t even think to text you to see if you’re awake or with someone, or studying”

“It’s okay, so, why are you calling me on a Wednesday at one a.m.?”

“I just got home from that trip I told you I was going with Jake...”

“Oh, great, how was it?” Peter sighed closing his eyes and rubbing his temple with his free hand, already hating himself for asking.

“It sucked” She said pacing around her room.

“Really? Why?”

“He was extremely selfish and rude with everyone, I just wanted to leave as fast as I could”

“Was he rude to you?”

“No, just annoying”

“That’s a little less fucked up, isn’t it?”

“Dunno, don’t care, I dumped him” She said shrugging and laying in her bad, starring at a picture of her and Peter hugging and smiling, with Shawn and Raul kneeled in front of them with the funniest expressions.

“You did what?”

“I ended whatever we had”

“Why?!”

“You didn’t seem to like him that much to care about the reason why I dumped him, I thought that you’d be thrilled”

“I didn’t, I hated him, it’s just, I... how are you dealing with it? I thought you actually liked him and stuff”

“He was... fine I guess, it’s not like he was the love of my life”

“Don’t you miss him?”

“I was with him like, two hours ago”

“You know what I meant”

“I know, I’m sorry... it’s just... is it bad that I don’t? Like, at all?”

“Of course not, just means that you did the right thing, angel... it wasn’t meant to be”

“God, I just wish I could hug you and squeezing you right now”

“It’s late, angel, you should sleep”

“I know, I’m sorry, what are you guys doing this weekend?”

“Nothing, just going to Shawn’s place, he’s getting back tomorrow night”

“Oh, that’s nice”

“Do you want to join us?”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course! They love you as much as I do, and we miss you” 

“Okay, then count me in, are you sleeping there?”

“No, I’m coming back home with Raul”

“Okay, can you give me a ride?”

“Do you want to sleep here?”

“At your house?”

“Yeah, that’s dumb, sorry, sure, I’ll give you a ride”

“No, it’s not, I’d love to crash there”

“Great, angel, see you Saturday then?” Peter asked trying to confirm that he wasn’t going completely nuts with a smile that was already hurting her cheeks.

“Yeah! That will be perfect! Thank you so much, Peter, I love you”

“I love you too, goodnight, angel”

And just like that, they both went to bed with the most idiot smiles plastered on their faces.

                                                        -*-

When Saturday arrived, Peter went to the gym to try to spend as much energy as he could, seeing her after a month is literally almost killing him. They’ve been friends since they wore diapers, the four of them to be precise. But she’s always been closer to him. He had a crush on her since he was seventeen and he hid that like it was the worst thing that had ever happened in his life. Shawn and Raul only found out last year, on Shawn’s twenty first birthday, where they saw Peter drinking more than usual because she was making out with her boyfriend at the time.

What Peter didn’t know was that she started falling for him when they’re fifteen. 

Y/N couldn’t stop thinking about seeing the triplets, especially because they’ve never been so many days apart, except for Shawn that was touring the world. But spending the last month and a half away from her best friends, specially Peter, was actually bothering her. She spent the rest of the days until Saturday counting the hours to see them. She simply couldn’t wait to hug and annoy the he’ll out of them. 

So now she’s sitting in her bed, staring at her closet, trying to figure out what to wear. A nice outfit would be good to say “I’m single but I’m so fine with my self” or “hi, missed you, I’m too intimate with you to care about how I look and I want to be comfortable”. In the end, she ended up opting for a tight tank top, some cute sweatpants and a pair of her favorite sneakers. Her hair was naturally wavy and face bare of makeup, except for mascara and lip balm. 

She grabbed her backpack with her toiletries and a few clothes to change later and headed out the building, deciding to walk to Peter’s place instead of driving, it was only a few blocks away and it was still day. She left early anyway, so since walking would take longer, she opted for that to don’t be early, since he told her to go there around seven.

Well, she was too eager and ended up early anyways. She was in the front of the building deciding if she should go upstairs or if she should wait twenty minutes til seven. When she was almost giving up and heading for the coffee on the corner, she felt someone wrapping their arms around her torso from behind and she completely froze, relaxing a bit when she heard his laugh.

“Hey, baby!” 

“Raul!” She said turning around and hugging him as tight as possible.

“What are you doing down here?”

“I got here too early, didn’t know if I was supposed to just go upstairs or wait”

“Oh, that’s bullshit, you know you can come in anytime, you even got the key”

“Yeah, whatever”

“Let’s go?”

“Sure” I said letting go of him but he never let me, so he kept his arm around my shoulders.

“Pete’s dying to see you”

“Really?” She said lightly chuckling.

“Yeah, he’s been driving me nuts”

“Oh, come on, he’s sweet”

“Of course you’d say that, you love him!”

“Hey! I really appreciate him as a friend”

“Uh sure, so you’re just gonna lie and say you don’t have a crush on my brother”

“Fuck you, Raul” I said pushing his shoulder playfully and he full on laughed getting out of the elevator.

“I’ll be right back” Raul said in the moment we stepped into his place and disappeared on the hallway to his bedroom.

I wandered around the place, seeing new pictures hanging on the wall and admiring every little detail in every single one of them, knowing that Peter probably took it and spent hours editing. Just when I grabbed on that was me and only me I heard his voice.

“Raul, who were you taking to?” Peter asked and I turned around, placing the picture on the couch and pretty much throwing myself at him, wrapping him in the tightest hug I could possibly give “hey, angel” he said surprised as heck, wrapping his arms around me just as tightly and kissing my hair multiple time, taking me off the ground.

“Hey, Pete” I said nuzzling my face on his neck, wrapping my legs around his waist.

“You’re early” he said chuckling.

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be, I’m glad you’re here” he said kissing my temple.

“God, I missed you so much”

“I missed you too, sweetheart”

“Not as much as I did”

“I doubt that” Raul said coming from behind Peter “dude, put on some clothes at least”

That’s when she noticed that his skin was not completely dry, his hair was damp and he only had a towel wrapped around his waist. Y/N quickly let go of him and walked backwards, feeling her cheeks burn, and she was able to see Peters whole body tint pink. 

“Shit, I’m so sorry, Y/N”

“No, it’s okay, Pete, I don’t mind, go change, I’ll be here”

“I’m sorry” he said going back to his room.

“Damn, I didn’t know you were that crazy about him”

“Oh, fuck off, Raul” I said rolling my eyes “I didn’t even noticed that he was partially naked”

“Oh, but you liked the view, he is working out a lot more than he used to”

“I noticed that, he’s bigger than you”

“He is”

“What happened?”

“He’s just interested in getting built or something”

“Why?”

“Maybe a girl, I don’t know”

“Is he seeing someone?!”

“Don’t know, he doesn’t really talk about it in details”

“Oh”

“Hey, what are you guys talking about?”

“Nothing really” Raul said shrugging “when are going to go to Shawn’s?”

“I don’t know, is he home yet?”

“Probably, I’m just gonna call him to check” Peter said texting him “he said we can go now, he just asked us to go to the market first, to grab somethings”

“Fine, lemme just grab my jacket, okay?” Raul asked going back to his room.

“Sure”

“Do you want to leave you things on the guest room?”

“Guest room?”

“Yeah, we have one now”

“Nice”

“Yeah, so... do you want to leave your things there?”

“Mhm”  She mumbled and following to the room he pointed, dropping her stuff on the bed. 

“Come on, losers, let’s grab Shawn’s list and head to his house” Raul called from the front door.

“Oh, shut up, douche” She said rolling her eyes and trying to suppress a laugh.

Peter chuckled and offered his hand for her to grab, and she happily did it. 

                                                       -*-

They grabbed a lot of snacks and Shawn’s requests which were always the same since he was away for too long and had nothing on his fridge. We went straight to his condo after the little market stop by and Peter parked at his spot in his brother’s garage. When they got in the elevator she was practically bouncing of excitement to finally see Shawn, Raul couldn’t stop himself from laughing and Peter was constantly grinning at her. 

“Go, just get in and hug him” Raul said patting her back.

She quickly did what he said when the elevator doors opened and barged into his house.

“Hey, gu... Y/N?” Shawn sounded extremely surprised, but quickly ran to her and hugged her as tight as possible.

“Hey, rockstar”

“I can’t believe you’re here!”

“No one told you I was coming?”

“No! God I missed you!” Shawn said spinning her around making her laugh.

“Surprise!” Raul announced getting in with the bags “not saying hello to your big bro?”

“Hey, I had lunch with you guys yesterday, I don’t see her in ages!”

“What are the plans for today?” Peter said placing everything in place in Shawn’s kitchen, Y/N running there to help him.

“I thought we could watch something, talk, have a few drinks and maybe play some games, for old times sake”

“Count me in” Raul said.

“I’m cool with it” She said placing a hand on Peter’s shoulder.

“So am I”

“Cool, I’m ordering pizza” Shawn announced.

“Me and Pete are getting the kitchen organized”

“I’m getting the living room ready”

                                                        -*-

After they ate three whole pizzas, a movie in and a few beers down, except for Peter who’s going to drive back, they started debating which movie they should watch next. Shawn was sitting with his feet on the central table, Raul was lying on the floor. Y/N and Peter were on the same side of the “L” shaped couch, she was with a pillow on her lap and her legs on top of Peter’s lap, which he was gently caressing, but never going to far high, always the sweetest. 

“Just put on something random and let’s talk”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, Raul, Friends maybe” she said shrugging.

“Fine”

“So, Shawn, how was tour?”

“Amazing, the last leg was fantastic, everything was great, the crowd was fantastic” 

“That’s so nice, I’m so fucking proud of you” She said smiling and Shawn.

“Thank you, honey, what about you?”

“Me?”

“How was that trip?”

“Shitty, dumped him”

“Why?”

“He didn’t deserve her” Peter mumbled.

“What?” Raul asked turning around to face us.

“He was not enough, he was rude and didn’t treat her the way she deserved”

“If you say so...” Shawn said shrugging.

“Peter’s actually right, he was just... whatever”

“You’re fine?”

“Couldn’t be better” she said lying her head on Peter’s shoulder.

“That’s great” 

“You know what we should do?”

“What, Raul?” Peter asked rolling his eyes at his brother.

“Play some sort of truth or dare”

“Oh no” Y/N said chuckling.

“What do you me by ‘some sort of’?”

“We can just ask questions, like, spin something and ask something, if the person doesn’t want to answer, the person needs to do a dare”

“Okay, that seems innocent enough” Shawn said chuckling.

“Guys, are we twelve or something?” Peter asked playing with his fingers, clearly nervous. 

“Why? Scared?”

“Fuck off, Raul”.

“Are you in?”

“Yeah, whatever” Peter said sighing and she grabbed his hand.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want it”

“No, it’s okay, angel, I’ll do it” Peter said kissing my knuckles.

“Fine, everybody on the floor!” Raul said downing his beer bottle and everybody settled down on the fluffy rug.

“Okay, I’m spinning” Shawn said grabbing the bottle from Raul’s hand and spinning it, the edge pointing to me.

“Okay, you’re gonna ask a question and the three of us are going to answer, if we choose not to, we have to do something, you can propose a dare”

“Cool, who was your worst kiss?”

“Just like that, huh?” Raul asked grinning at her.

“Sure!”

“Mine was with that nurse I dated for two weeks” Raul said.

“Five days, Raul, mine was my ex”

“But you guys were together for a few months, Pete!”

“I know, I liked her, we just didn’t fit”

“Well, mine was my first, awful experience”

“Okay, great, I’m spinning now?”

“Yep!”

So she did and it was Shawn’s turn.

“What was the worst thing you’ve ever done in school?”

“Uuuh, that’s easy, I purposely blowed up the chemistry class so I could go home early to watch a game without ditching”

“I thought you were going to say you burned someone”

“Hey, Y/N, I’m not that bad”

“Whatever, Raul, the worst thing I’ve ever done? Oh, I went on a date with that substitute teacher and the next day we made out on the library, and then I never saw him again, Mr. Harrison was back”

“I can’t believe it! You were like seventeen!” Shawn sounded extremely shocked.

“He was twenty something at the time, not so old, okay? What about you, Pete?”

“Me? I... o helped someone cheat on a test or something”

“Really? I didn’t think you did that” Raul said with his brow arched.

“Well, it was a one time thing”

“That makes a little more sense” Shawn said spinning.

“Peter!”

“Hmm... when was the last time you guys actually liked someone, as in, really like?”

“Last year”

“Two years ago”

“What about you, angel?”

“Me? I don’t, maybe now?”

“Now?!”

“That’s another question, Peter” She said chuckling, making him blush.

“Yeah, right, sorry” he said spinning the bottle.

“Finally! Okay, where was the craziest place you guys did it? And I’d say something like Eiffel Tower I’ll literally murder you, Shawn” Raul said making all of them laugh.

“The jet” Shawn said shrugging.

“On the hood of my ex’s car”

“Holy crap, really? Where?”

“And the end of a cliff we used to hang out at, it was always very empty” she said playing with the throw pillow on her lap.

“That’s nice” Raul said smirking.

“Fuck off”

“And you, Peter?” Shawn asked.

“The end of the bed, I guess” he said lowly and sighing, feeling a hand being placed on his thigh, seeing her fingers lightly caressing the area. 

“Why don’t we play a little bit of Mario kart?”

“Why? This is nice!” Raul said crossing his arms.

“What? Are you afraid to loose for a little girl?”

“Never, let’s play, baby!”

“Fine, will go find the remotes, come help me, Raul” Shawn said getting up.

“Why me?”

“Because you’re a looser”

“Fuck you” he said getting up and pushing Shawn into the hallway.

“Thanks” Peter mumbled under his breath.

“For what?”

“For getting me out of that situation” he almost whispered.

“Hey, of course, you don’t have to thank me, Pete, I’ll always have your back” she said grabbing his hand.

“Thank you” he said kissing the back of her hand “can I ask you something?”

“Sure, shoot”

“Who do you like?”

“We’re not playing the game anymore”

“I know, I just thought that there were no secrets between us, Angel”

“There aren’t, it’s just that it’s nothing serious, he doesn’t even know yet, and I don’t know if I want this to become a thing so yeah, anyway, I’m sorry, I promise I will tell you if I change my mind about him”

“Okay” he said kissing her forehead and she smiled at him.

“Found them!” Shawn said coming back to the room.

“Great” She said getting up and sitting on the couch “ready to loose, Raul?”

“I’m not loosing”

“Yeah, you are” Peter said climbing on the couch as well.

And so they spent their night like that, between teasing, laughing, eating junk food and just spending some precious time together, which has become more rare with their schedules. Around two in the morning Peter decide it’s time to get back home and leave Shawn to rest, so the three of them go back to the boys’ apartment. Raul went straight to his room, not before kissing the top of your head goodnight, and probably fell asleep pretty quickly.

Peter did the same thing, but went to the guest room with her to wish her goodnight and kiss her forehead one more time, before going back to his room. She couldn’t sleep well that night, feeling a little weird towards Peter, he got all weird after the game and wouldn’t talk to her. But what she didn’t know, is that he couldn’t either. He spent the whole night rolling on his bed, thinking how pathetic he was and how she would never fall for him if he was still like that. 

                                                        -*-

One week. That’s how long Peter’s been acting weird. He suddenly attended parties in the middle of the week, wasn’t wearing his glasses, and had a date every single night, but still trying to make time for Y/N by meeting her for lunch. Raul noticed the difference as well and actually asked him what was that all about, but he only got a “there’s nothing different, I just never told you guys about it” as an answer and that only triggered Y/N more. Since when was he lying to her?!

On the next weekend she went to the boy’s house without texting any of them. It’s not something that she had ever done before, but still, it felt weird. So there she was, in front of their apartment door, considering knocking or just barging in. So she just grabbed her key and got in, not seeing any sign of the guys there. She made herself at home, dropping her bag at the couch and went straight to Peter’s room, not finding him there. So Y/N just sat at his bed and waited until he got home, but she ended up falling asleep.

When Peter got home, after going out with another girl just to impress her or forget her, whatever happened first, he could swear his heart melted. She was sprawled on his bed, cuddling the hoodie he left there and curled into herself. He quickly grabbed a blanket and placed over her, leaving his things on his room and heading for the kitchen to make them both something to eat. Deciding to ditch the party he didn’t even wanted to go to be with her.

“Hey?” Her voice sounded soft from behind him.

Peter turned around to see her actually wearing his hoodie and with her hair in a messy bun. 

“Hey, you’re up”

“Yeah, I didn’t even know I fell asleep, sorry”

“Hey, it’s okay, you know I love having you here, everything’s okay?”

“With me? Yes, what are you doing?”

“Pasta, for us, Raul’s at the hospital and he’s not coming back today”

“Oh, sorry to bother your Saturday’s plans”

“It’s okay, you’ll always come first, so, what brought you here?”

“You”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you, Peter, we need to talk, can we?”

“Of course, just let me do something about dinner” he said tiding up the kitchen “wanna sit on the couch?”

“Okay” she said turning around and sitting there with her legs crossed, he sat on the same couch, turning to face her.

“What’s wrong, angel?”

“You are all wrong”

“Me?! What’s wrong with me?”

“What’s wrong with you? In one day you changed completely, started partying on week days, having several dates in 24 hours, ditching classes, not wearing your glasses, you even got your ears pierced”

“That’s me!”

“That’s not you! And really, if that’s what you want to be, fine, I don’t care, I love you, but everything happened so fast and I never thought you would be someone like this”

“Like what? Actually nice? Actually interesting? Someone girls would want?”

“No!”

“No what? What’s wrong with me being lime this? I’m not boring old nerd, I’m actually someone desired and cool, can’t you see it?”

“See what?”

“That like this I’m not invisible anymore, people actually want to be around me, they see me the same way people see Shawn and Raul, I’m not there shadow anymore”

“Pete...”

“No, Y/N, that’s the first time you actually noticed me? Even my best friend didn’t see me, Shawn is the popstar, Raul is the bad boy with a golden heart, and me? Well, I know how to use a camera and can’t say ‘no’ to anyone, wow, the best triplet”

“Pet...”

“People would only talk to me to get to one of them, maybe even Aaliyah”

“P...”

“And to add to the whole equation, I’m not enough for you. I’m not cool enough, I’m not hot enough, I’m not the kind of guy the would be brave enough to have sex with you on the hood of my car in the middle of nowhere, I’m not the guy that parties all night and wear cool clothes, or has a bunch of tattoos and lots of ex girlfriends, or am the best kisser, or the most talented or...”

“Peter, shut up!” She said watching the guy in front of her almost pull all of his hair out.

“I’m sorry, you don’t need to hear this, I’m just...”

“You’re perfect!”

“I’m what?”

“You’re perfect, Peter”

“No, I’m...”

“Hey hey hey, you talked too much already, lemme speak a little, okay?” She asked grabbing his hands while he nodded “yeah, you’re not the ‘coolest’ triplet or whatever, but you’re equally talented and hot, you might not be a bad boy who would fuck me on the fucking top of the Eiffel Tower, or the one that would take me to hundreds of parties, or wear leather jackets, or date a bunch of people” with that Peter lowered his head but she wouldn’t have it, so she cupped his face with both hand, kneeling in front of him “but you’re my Peter, the guy who would light up the whole place with candles and dance around the apartment with me, who would take me to an art exposition and tell me everything about the guys technique, who wears the coziest hoodies and the sweetest glasses, who dates only a few girls, but makes them feel like they are the only one in the world, you’re my person, Peter, you’re the guy I’ve fallen in love since I am fifteen years old and tried to forget all the time cause you’re my best friend and I didn’t want to ruin it, okay? I love you, just the way you are, Pete, don’t you dare change yourself to please somebody else”

“You love me? Like that?” He asked with wide eyes.

“I love you, just like that”

“Oh my God, are you for real?”

“One hundred percent” she said giggling and kissing the tip of his nose.

“I love you too, so so so much” he said placing his hands carefully on her sides.

“Good, now promise me one thing” she said leaning forward.

“Anything”

“Don’t ever lie to me again, if you feel insecure again, talk to me, okay? I’ll always love and support you, no matter what” she said mere inches way from his face.

“Okay, angel, I promise”

“Great, now can I kiss you or not?” She asked with a smug grin on her face that was quickly erased by his lips colliding with hers in the sweetest kiss she’s ever had.

Peter wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to him, making her fall on his lap, straddling his body. She ran her hand through his curls, tugging lightly making him groan slightly, and a little after that, she felt his tongue on her lower lip making her part her lips almost instantaneously, deepening the kiss.

They spent a while just lazily making out on the couch, curious hands discovering each other’s bodies in ways they’ve never done before. After a while they parted just slightly, to recover the breaths and he rested his forehead on hers, panting a bit. They both had the most stupid smiles plastered on their faces. 

“Angel?”

“Hm?”

“Do you want to go on a date with me? Let’s say, tomorrow at lunch?”

“I’d love to... Pete?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I sleep here tonight?”

“Of course you can!”

“But like... with you? And maybe cuddle?”

“Yes, yes you can”

“Okay” she said pecking his lips and getting up, receiving a whine from him”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m starving, I want the pasta you promised me!”

“Fine, but then I’m not letting you go, this still feels too much like a dream to me”

“Seems fair” she said chuckling and offering him her hand, which he gladly took.

“Let me finish our food”

And with that, he was back at cooking, bur eventually taking breaks to peck her lips softly. They ate in front of the tv, watching a random romcom and making fun of it. After that, they cleaned everything up and headed for his room, in which he changed into a pair of sweatpants and she took her jeans off, deciding to sleep only in his hoodie (and he wasn't complaining about it). They lied down together and immediately tangled themselves and started to talk about everything and anything until they fell asleep, which she did first, giving Peter some time to admire her and let the facts that happened that night sink in.

He never felt happier, and neither did she.

                                                        -*-

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” They both sat up extremely quickly to the sound of someone shouting at the end of the bed “why were you barely dressed on top of him?” Raul asked in a normal tone this time, but still sounding like he saw a three headed unicorn.

“We got our shit together yesterday and I guess we are together now” She said simply, laying back on Peter’s bed.

“Are you two together for real?”

“Yeah, Raul, now can you just leave? We went late to bed and I’m tired” Peter said laying back and pulling Y/N to lay on his chest.

“Okay, okay, sorry, guess I’ll see you at lunch?”

“We’re going out on a date, but maybe later, now leave” Peter said playing with Y/N’s hair.

“I can’t believe it, I have to call Shawn” Raul said leaving the room.

“Well, I didn’t want you to wake up like that” Peter mumbled kissing her forehead.

“It’s okay, waking up with you beside has always been the best, but now is even better” 

“I’m sorry”

“It’s okay, if we go back to sleep and wake up later we can pretend this never happened”

“That’s an amazing idea, Angel” Peter said kissing her hair softly and going back to playing with her hair.

“I love you” she whispered lightly before going back to sleep.

“I love you too, Y/N”

                                                         -*-

*I have a few more projects planned and a few that are almost done.

*Please reblog or like this post if you liked it so I’ll know if I’m supposed to keep posting or something like that.

*I’m sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

*Please do not repost this without giving me the credit, this is a completely original piece and I do not give permission to copy this.

*Guess that’s it, hope you guys enjoy it! 

*xoxo*

-🌙

[elizabeatrice]

Feeling Blue, Seeing Red (Chapter 69)

Let’s Talk About JSHK Manga #5

Updated: 19/8/2020 (more thoughts)

Bea is back with the lame punny titles~

Warning: !!! MANGA SPOILERS UP TO CHAPTER 69 !!! Duh.

Soooo I opened the raws this morning. Saw the spicy and went 'ohh shoot'. Then some of y'all say that some folks are hating Akane bc of this chap. I proceeded to panic, because fandom war is scary af. So I translated the chap for myself. And I just gotta say:

Aoi, Nene, your boyfriends are idiots. Y'all gonna be punching and headbutting the idiocy out of them for the rest of your lives and I'll be willing to pay for your karate classes.

The teen drama made me laugh so hard ahahahaha I guess this is what you get for hoping sensei will drop a bomb this month lmaoooo.

P.S. Teru you little shit

Man I don’t even know where to begin. This chapter is oozing doraaaaama and I can’t take it seriously no matter how much I try. I remember thinking, “Shoot, this is the ‘I hate you, I hate you too, proceed to make out’ trope in JSHK’s classic ‘oooh serious moment, eh? PSYCHE!’ style,” before bursting into laughter.

I swear I’m not making fun of it.

Because it’s already fun to begin with. Ahahahaha.

I do however, take seriously the long-awaited insight into Aoi’s mind. I hollered in joy, y’all. ‘Cause like ... finally!

(Also like ... ngl the development of Aoi and akaoi in this arc might come into play in my Shrek AU. Pls don’t ask. Yet. That’s not the official AU name I swear I just wanna confuse my readers ahahaha)

Back when chapter 64 came out I wrote something that was supposed to be the first of the Let’s Talk About JSHK Manga series but I ended up not posting it because I wasn’t sure about a bunch of things. Here’s an excerpt from that post, titled ‘Aoi and Her Blues’:

I mean, what did the minions do to her? ‘Remove unnecessary things’. Someone said they removed her inhibitions (I’m terribly sorry I forgot who said this because it’s been so long so I can’t put the link here, but if you know, feel free to send me the link).

But she has to be brainwashed, right?

She remembered enough about Nene. Enough to call her out on her feelings (that she still denies btw lol) and recognize Hanako from Nene’s wonderful description (or because Aoi could see him all this time and never said anything, who knows?).

Most importantly, she remembered Akane.

So apparently they weren’t unnecessary enough to be erased from her memory. Which I’d beg to differ if I were going to make this girl willingly sacrifice herself.

Would she let her best friend fall down into a pit full of giant insects, or let her childhood friend get impaled? I mean this is the same girl that cried when Akane and Yamabuki got together (by accident) and when Nene started talking to herself like a madwoman.

So yeah. Definitely brainwashed. Pretty sure now.

The one thing that bugged me is what she said though.

“I’ve always wanted to go somewhere far away.”

“Nothing will stop me from getting my wish.”

Btw these aren’t accurate word for word I’m just drawing from memory.

Is that a wish forced upon her by the brainwashing, or has Aoi been depressed all this time and ... y’know, therefore thought about ‘going far away’? I’m personally leaning more towards the first, but it still got me thinking.

Remember back in The Clock Keeper arc when she said there was something she wanted to tell Nene?

Can some creepy hands showing up in the gardening club’s album photos really warrant that kind of expression? Is it just me who got disappointed when the thing she wanted to tell Nene ended up being just that?

But if she did have such thoughts, why?

Maybe she was lonely? I mean Nene got so busy with supernatural shenanigans. Akane’s busy with student council stuff (and school wonder stuff). Though I don’t doubt for a second that he’d drop everything for Aoi, but Aoi’s not the kind of person to do that. And to be honest, I feel like so far Aoi hasn’t been shown having genuine interaction with anyone aside from Nene and Yamabuki without the other person being completely enamored by her. And even with Yamabuki that was just in that After School chapter.

So I guess my hunch wasn’t that far off. Still though. Still though. Is she or is she not brainwashed? Because as much as Aoi likes-but hates-but actually kinda likes Akane, I still don’t think she’s the type of person to stab her childhood friend until he’s got a hole through his fucking torso.

Throwing Nene into the bug pit I guess makes more sense if Aoi knew all along that the pit won’t lead anywhere too dangerous, and that Hanako wouldn’t leave Nene’s side. Nene’s perfectly safe with him. Sorta. She did get kidnapped and were about to be sacrificed after all. But heeey Hanako still showed up to save her in the end.

Stabbing Akane like that tho? Even if she knows he wouldn’t die in a boundary especially in his school wonder form? It just doesn’t feel like Aoi, man.

Then again she did say no one really knows her, and that anyone who does would end up being disappointed in her.

I’m really happy to know that she does not, in fact, appreciate all the attention given to her. Comedy framing aside, constantly having some random guy approach you to ask you out presumably every day is ... annoying at best. Kid deserves better.

So ya girl got some extreme trust issues. Strangers, even Akane and Nene, I could understand. But her dad tho? Is something going on in the Akane household? Bruh ....

How long has Aoi not been able to trust anyone enough to let them get close to her? Because if she’s been feeling like that about Nene all this time, Imma be super sad bruh. Nene is one of the most genuine kids ever (perhaps only second to Kou).

I understand that Aoi’s disappointed because Nene’s been keeping secrets, but honestly, who would believe you if you come up to them and say, “Hey so I summoned a toilet ghost and now I’m stuck as his assistant. The rumors about supernaturals are like, totally real, and can endanger everyone in this school for real, too. Also I turn into fish when I come in contact with water.”

Sensible best friends would either a) not believe you, or b) try to get you as far away from supernatural shit as possible ‘cause hello? Ya ain’t Miles Morales ya can’t just blast What’s Up Danger when monster of the week shows up.

Even if Aoi does let it continue, wouldn’t she wanna get involved? Would Nene let her get involved when Tsukasa’s still around? Ya girl got cursed, thrown off the top of a boundary, sent to literally nowhere and everywhere, almost got her body stolen by mirror monsters, kidnapped and taken into a fake world, and now trapped in literal Grim Reaper’s realm. Honestly, who would involve their best friend in this sort of shit?

It just makes me sad to think that all this time Akane and Nene have genuinely cared about her but she didn’t think they were. Aoi, my girl Nene literally threaded hell boundaries and high shallow water to save you!!!

Unrequited platonic love hurts just as much as romantic ones, y’all ....

Speaking of romantic love.

Hey, uh, Akane. For claiming to despise Hanako and calling him a slimy pervert, y’all kinda act the same way with your respective girlfriends when things get a bit heated up, huh? Even the teasing part.

Boy, you’re dumb af. You deserve that.

There it is y’all, it’s official. We got punches for akaoi and headbutts for hananene.

You deserve this too. But Teru’s face here is really annoying, I’ll give you that. Teru you little shit.

At least you’re finally gonna be useful. Let’s just see.

Hmm I guess I have to address the thing now.

Ahem. The thing. The pushing (pulling?) Aoi down, grabbing her neck thing.

Yeah I don’t get it either. Whether it was a creative choice taken in consideration to the actual character’s state or to just pander to the trope that seems to be marketable in Japan or both, I don’t really know.

I do however, have to remind you that none of these kids are in their right mind. One is possibly still recovering from the effects of brainwashing and dealing with not only extreme trust issues and insecurities, but also the sight of a gaping hole on her childhood friend and perhaps crush’s torso, not to mention having to deal with this in the middle of nowhere. The other one is the said person with a gaping hole on his torso, who almost lost his life-long crush, and even got stabbed by her in the first place.

They’re lost. They’re tired. They’re emotional. They’re frustrated. They’re two hormonal teens.

I think Akane thought Aoi wouldn’t listen to him unless he makes her. Which is why he went with exposing her by saying he hated her. Which is still a dumb move in my opinion. But Aoi rightfully got back at him. And honestly I didn’t think he really hurt her. I mean, it’s Akane after all. *shrugs*

The way I see it, the entire thing was a result from not only their current condition but also the uh ... not telling each other how they really feel all this time. Aoi with her issues, Akane with his secrets. They’re a ticking bomb. It’s horrible that they ended up hurting each other because of this (physically and emotionally), but I could see why it went like this. These two are flawed. Most importantly, they’re teenagers. They’re bound to fuck up in this equation.

Heck, I’ve fucked up worse in less endangering situations before.

But heeey once things get cleared between them they fall right back to each other. Sure things aren’t entirely resolved. But they’re gonna be okay. Teru’s there. Should be fine. Probably.

The thing is we as the audience who come into the story with a clear head can easily figure out the best, most sensible way to deal with the characters’ problems. But these problems affect the characters in (physical, physiological, psychological, emotional) ways most of us can’t immediately empathize with, which can make their bad decisions frustrating for us to see. We know it’s wrong. And when these characters have calmed down and healed, they’ll know that it’s wrong, too. If they’re not dicks, that is.

You know how it feels when you’re fighting with someone, and you know the best thing to do is to talk it out, but you just can’t bring yourself to? It makes things worse, right? And you’re frustrated, right? Unfortunately that’s just how humans are.

Even I let my emotions get the best of me when I judged the villagers’ actions back in chapter 68 hahaha (but I still think they’re awful).

It’s just my opinion tho.

And whooo everyone is officially here but Yamabuki (and Sakura and Tsukasa, but they’re bound to show up)! Catch up soon, my citrus child.

Lastly, I have the moral obligation to remind you that if akaoi’s confrontation ended up like this, imagine how hananene’s would be.

I’ll leave you to your deductions.

As always, feel free to discuss. Just ... don’t fight, onegaishimasu.

[kerwritesthings]

27, 54 :)

I wasn’t going to post this today. Last story I posted yesterday I’m still trying to push on since it’s still hanging out there in the wind & wasn’t feeling too motivated after that. But I had a really bad fuck of a moment at the end of the day and then this adorable bean decided to insta story pretty much at the same time. So, et voila we’re going with it.

This took a TURN, dear anon. I know it’s soft & fluffy prompts, and we’ll get to it. There’s a bit up at the front, it’s just a little bit of a journey to get to it at the end. I also didn’t expect this to be almost 2.8k. Ooopsies?

Prompts: “You have me to protect you, always.” AND “I will protect you with my life.”

Being on tour with Shawn is one thing. Being on tour with Shawn overseas though is another. It’s always an experience, but for this run it’s especially more than it’s ever been before. You’ve yet to experience a swing outside Canada, the States and Europe. With the last album already exceeding expectations and touring blowing up across the board, the tour went wider and longer than he’s ever done before. Which means in some cities, it’s multiple dates and even more so, graduating to stadiums.

“Excuse me what?!” you yell, looking at the “tickets” he’s placed in your hand. The sentimental fluff he is, had mockup concert tickets made to give you when he told you about Tokyo.

“Me, you, Japan. Gyoza, ramen, carousel sushi, mochi, bubble tea, and yeah playing what they’re telling me should be a sold-out Tokyo Dome,” he replies with a coy smile.

“Holy shit Shawn,” you exclaim as you tackle hug him. “That’s like what 50,000 plus? Sweetie, that’s amazing. I’m so proud of you.”

It was months away, but you both take to sending each other links to places you’d want to try, or photos of what Tokyo looks like in the spring. You specifically asking for photos of the two of you wandering through the cherry blossoms. You were meeting him there this go. He’s coming into town off the Australia and southeast Asian swing, with Tokyo being the final show to wrap things up before a break. And it wasn’t one show, he sold out two. There was still Latin and South America, but that was after the holidays and nothing to worry about yet.

The energy in the Dome is intense, electric and nothing like you have experienced at any of his shows before. Everything was a glow, every single one of the fans in the seats singing along. You head side stage to where you’ve grown to watching most shows you’re on the road for. 

“Something else, eh?” Cez asks loudly to get over the crowd, throwing an arm around your shoulders and drawing you into his side.

You nod, your voice caught in your throat. You’re fighting back being this emotional, but this is unbelievable and that Rockstar up on stage? You get to call him yours.

Cez squeezes you tighter, “I know kiddo, I know. I still get that way even after being with him for this long. Come on, let’s go to the pit for the run.”

You follow, making sure your earplugs are securely in place. The roar is going to be deafening when he hits the straightaway. What you didn’t expect was for him to stop at the end, snag you around the waist, twirl you with a kiss before his usual heading back up for the rest of the finale.

“That’s so going to end up on Tumblr,” you scream at him as he sets you down, and you spy Connor laughing from behind the camera. He caught it all.

“Good, gifs abound showing how much I fucking love you,” he yells back, kissing you one more time before dashing back up to stage.

It takes forever to get through the folks who needed to say hello after the show, you saw him starting to wane after the third massive group that was being ushered into the green room. You caught Cez’s eye, nodding over towards Shawn.

He mouths on it to you and bless him, makes the group filter through quickly. As soon as they’re gone and the door is closing behind them, he collapses on the couch pulling you down next to him, head tipping into your shoulder.

“Hey Rockstar,” you whisper, kissing his temple.

“Mmmm, hi baby. Thank you for being here for here. Means everything,” he sighs, cuddling down into you.

“Always. It’s me and you versus the world, right? Hasn’t changed. Won’t change,” you reply, pressing a longer lingering kiss to his skin. “Go shower. Go change. I’ll even wait in your room for you. Then we’ll head back. Me, you, room service and that pretty piece of silk we found at the night market.”

“Yes please,” he murmurs, kissing you slowly, sweetly like it’s the only thing he wants to do.

“Off with you,” you nudge him up and push him towards the door. His hand reaches for yours immediately, lacing his fingers in tightly with yours.

Finally, when he is done and his team has been told that things have seem to be a bit calmer outside, you start to make your way towards the sprinter van.

“I need you two to hold on to each other, and to me if you can. More importantly to stay close to us,” Jake explains seriously pointing between him and Big Eddie, who was here in Tokyo for the last few days with the team. “We have to do a straight shot to the car. Still too many folks to stop kid, I’m sorry but I can’t risk it. Not with the missus with you.”

You’re not even engaged yet, but since moment one of meeting Jake, he’s taken to calling you the missus. You both nod, Shawn taking a hold of your hand tightly. “I got you,” he whispers.

It’s a crowd like you’ve ever seen post-show before. It’s seas of people on both sides of the barricades. The roar comes once they see him. It’s a swell.

“Fuck, this is not what calm should look like,” Jake mutters. “We’re running. Go go go.”

You tighten your grip on his hand. Jake’s in front, a hold on Shawn, then you with Eddie’s one hand on your shoulder. You somehow hear the metal clatter to the ground and the plastic cracking before you see the people start spilling over and reaching for all of you.

“Shit,” you hear, not sure who it was from, but you’re being pushed forward. The jostling makes you lose your grip on Shawn’s hand first, then the next thing you know people are getting their way in between you and you don’t feel Eddie at your back any longer. You try not to panic, but it’s a sea of complete strangers. You think about calling out for Jake or Eddie. Names that would stand out in the sea of fans’ clamoring. It’s not worth it to even try calling out for Shawn, the crowd is boisterous and already chanting his name. It only takes a few moments before someone realizes who you are. You think about pulling out your phone, but you know it would be a lost cause. You just need to try to keep pushing your way forward. You start to get pulled at, pushed back and forth and it’s hard at this point to not start tearing up. You keep trying to move towards what you think is the direction you were going in in the first place.

At the same time, Shawn is losing his shit inside the van.

“Jake, I don’t fucking care about my own damn safety right now, she’s out there in this shitstorm, and out there in this shitstorm alone,” he yells. “Let me out of here, I need to find her. I told her I had her, Jake. Fuck, I need to get to her.”

“Kid I get it, but you’re not going out there. We’ve got the whole damn team and some of the arena folks weeding through the crowd to get to her,” Jake tries to state calmly. “I can’t let you out there. Hell, I can’t leave you alone in here to go find her myself. You know that’s not safe.”

“Not good enough, if she’s not back in 5, hell in 2. I don’t care Jake; I’ll pop out the damn sunroof if I have to,” he replies, pulling at his hair. “If I promise not to move, stay here, will you go out there? Jake please, I trust you. She trusts you. I just, I can’t just sit here and not do everything I can for her.”

Jake wipes his face with his hand, “You don’t move a muscle you hear me? I’m locking you in the damn car to boot, so no climbing and going through the roof like you threatened.”

“Yes, I promise,” he nods, his eyes still wild from the adrenaline. “Jake, please just find her.”

Jake quickly slides the door open to duck out, locking it behind him.

He doesn’t know how long it’s been, maybe 4 or 5 minutes since Jake left, but it’s feeling like a lifetime. He keeps checking his phone, but he knows there’s no way if you’re lost in this that it’s not worth it to pull out your phone. There are three quick heavy knocks on the van door that has him shifting back against the opposite side. He’s not sure what’s going on. The driver’s side door opens first with the driver shifting into the seat, then Eddie opens the sliding door letting Jake in with you in his arms before slamming it shut behind him.

“Ok time to get gone,” Jake says to the driver as he slides you into Shawn’s hold. “She’s ok, shaken up for sure, rattled and she probably won’t be wearing that shirt again. She said no one went after her, couple folks started tugging a bit harder than normal once they figured out who she was.  But nothing bruised, broken or cut from what I can see or what she said. Was a good thing she threw her hair up after the show. I spotted that pineapple bun of hers in the sea of people. Got to her quickly after that.”

“Baby,” he says pulling you into him tightly, burying his face into your hair at first, then your neck. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m here now, I’m right here.”

You’re shaking, cold from the crash of emotions, adrenaline dissipating. You can’t help but start sniffing and holding onto him snugly, wrapping around him like a vine. He was warm and comfort and love, all you really want or need at the moment.

“Call Cez and Andrew, anything that was planned or thought about for the next couple days before we go back to Toronto that has anything to do with work is off the table. That’s not up for debate,” his voice hard. “This also cannot happen again. Ever. That was utter bullshit. They had nothing under control, and that’s a risk I’m not willing to take. This is my family and I’m not having it. I’ll call Louis myself if I have to, this…”

He trails off, the crash starting to hit on his side and the tears start to slowly fall.

“I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you sweetheart, I’m not going to let something like that ever happen again,” he bites out, trying not to cry harder. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry. You’re my everything, you know that yeah? You have me to protect you, always. I will protect you with my life.”

“He tried to fight me to get to you,” Jake chimes in quietly as the van speeds its way back to the hotel. “I just couldn’t let him. But this boy, he was ready to take me if he had to. He’d lay it out and down for you. I’m sorry too, missus. This shouldn’t have been the way this went down. We’ll make sure of it. You’re as much as my responsibility as this kid is, and…”

“’S not your fault,” you croak out, still leaning heavily into Shawn. “Any of you. Crowd control means different things everywhere, especially at a venue that size, and who knew the barricades were going to snap and break. It’s not ok that they basically lied to the team though, that’s what I’m angry about. I’m ok though, shaky and in desperate need of a shower and some sleep, but not broken, not cracked. Maybe just a little worse for wear.”

Shawn wraps you up tighter, “Whatever you need tonight, baby.”

Once you’re back in the hotel, Jake safely deposits the both of you into Shawn’s room. It’s dark and quiet and you just stand in the bedroom holding each other there for a few minutes.

“Shower with me?” you ask, shifting yourself against him tightly again. “Please?”

“Let me call down for some tea first? You go get the water warm,” he whispers against the top of your head.

“Hot chocolate? With Baileys and marshmallows?” you volley back, a half smile trying to creep up your lips.

“Of course, whatever’s gonna make you feel better tonight,” he squeezes you again, before nudging you towards the bathroom. “I’ll let you steal my Leafs shirt too.”

You finally exhale fully once you’re in the bathroom. You didn’t realize you had been holding your breath that long. Or at least that’s what it was feeling like. Setting the shower a little warmer than normal, you quickly strip everything off, tossing it into the corner to deal with later. Stepping under the rainfall showerhead, you start to feel everything just sliding away, tension, the dirt, your fears. Quickly you start to wash off head to toe. You didn’t realize you had started to cry until you heard his feet splash the water against the tile behind you.

“Baby,” he half sighs half cries out, before sliding under the water to press you against him. “Let it go, let it all out. Go head, I’m here. You’re safe, pretty girl. it’s just you and me.”

You feel him start to let his emotions out as well, shaky breaths giving him away. You both stay like that, fusing together until the water starts to cool, but it’s worth it for the feeling a little semblance of getting yourself back together. Both of you.

“Let’s go get into bed with your boozy cocoa yeah?” he asks, lips against your forehead.

As he bundles you up in a towel, you realize for the first time he’s yet to kiss you kiss you since everything. You’re not sure if it’s a conscious decision, part of you thinks it is. You watch him for a moment as he towels off his hair, another balancing precariously low on his hips. He catches you, his lips trying to quirk up into a smile but it’s not quite there. He beckons you closer and you go without question.

He takes a fresh towel to blot at your hair, carefully sopping as much of the moisture away as he could.

“Can I ask you something?” you ask carefully. “You realize you haven’t really kissed me since before we walked out of the venue earlier? Not like you, baby.”

He lays the towel he was using for your hair across your shoulders, flipping the damp tresses out from underneath it. He looks intently at you for a moment before his right palm comes up to cup your cheek, thumb carefully swiping back and forth across your skin. “I couldn’t, I just…” he started before his breath caught for a minute. “I couldn’t forgive myself if something happened to you. It wouldn’t have happened in the first place if you weren’t here with me.”

“Hey, hey, none of that,” you say, pressing a finger across his lips. “Accidents happen. They suck. Yes, and this one, it was scary and all that shit, but it’s done. It’s over. Can you please kiss me now? Please Shawn?”

He kisses the pad of your finger, his other hand coming up to rest against your other cheek. He draws you in closer, tilting his forehead down to rest against yours. He starts slowly, softly. A whisper of a kiss across your lips, almost so light you don’t feel it at first. Then a stronger of a press before pulling away, nuzzling your nose with his. “I love you,” he whispers before letting go and really kissing you. It’s bruising, deep and wet; his tongue relentless. He’s letting everything he’s felt through this all out in this kiss. When he pulls away, you sling your arms around his waist to hold him. You head on his chest, feeling his heartbeat in your ears.

“This wasn’t your fault,” you remind him, pressing your lips against his chest. “Sweetheart, I’m here. I’m ok. We’ll take care of the logistical clusterfuck tomorrow. But for now, what I’d like? Since you said anything I need tonight. I want, I need you to love me Shawn. That’s all I’ll ever want from you, is your love.”

[bangtan-sonyeonddaeng]

Namjoon Scenario| You’re his favorite YouTuber and you come to Seoul

Namjoon had a notification pop up on his phone that you were doing a livestream on YouTube. He immediately clicked it open, figuring he could listen while he was working on some lyrics for their new album. 

“Alright everyone I’m just going to wait a few minutes for some more people to come in and then we’ll get started.” When he saw your bright and smiling face he felt his heart flutter in his chest. Somewhere along the way his feelings towards you became something more than a fan admiring their favorite Youtuber. In the past year of watching you, he’s grown to know you. How kind you are, how funny you are, how much you care for those around you. He continues to write his lyrics until you officially start the stream. 

“Okay so let’s get started then! This is just kind of a life update I guess?  I won’t be posting videos for a while.  I know I know, I’m sorry but it’s for an extremely amazing, good, and happy reason. I’m going to South Korea. Can you believe it? I’ve been wanting to go for so long and recently have been thinking about moving there. I wanted to visit to see the country and make sure that it’s a place I want to live in, get accustomed to it and everything. And I finally am going to see my favorite group perform too! I’m sure you all have heard me talking about them enough to know that it’s BTS right?” Namjoon nearly jumps out of his computer chair as he hears you say this. You’re coming to South Korea?? To attend their concert?! He starts dancing in his chair happily celebrating. “I probably won’t be too active on social media I hope you all can forgive me. I may make a vlog or two and post some photos but I really just want to enjoy my time there through my eyes and not a phone screen you know? Maybe take a photo at the concert.  Oh gosh I can’t believe I am going to be so close to them.” He finds your words and the slight blush on your face adorable. He can’t resist as he types a question for you.

You talk about BTS a lot but you’ve never mentioned who your bias is?

“Realme94 wants to know who’s my bias? Ah, you’re right I guess I have never mentioned it. I love them all so much it’s hard to choose but.. if I had to I would without a doubt say Namjoon.” Butterflies erupt in his stomach. 

Why do you like him?

“I mean what’s there not to like? He’s had the world on his shoulders and he handles it with grace. He takes care of the members all so well. He looks after them. He’s extremely talented I mean have you heard his mixtape? He can sing, he can rap, he can dance. He can do it all. And those dimples. Oh gosh.” Namjoon is smiling so widely now he feels like his cheeks are going to fall off.

Do you want to meet him?

“Of course I would love to meet him. But that’s never going to happen. I am honestly just happy to go visit their home country and learn about their culture. And get to see them perform. I couldn’t ask for anything more.” Hearing your kind response made him decide that he had to meet you. Opportunities like this don’t come around too often. You are finally going to be in the same country as him, the same city. 

He tries to think of how he should approach this. Should he message you and ask you to meet him somewhere, ah but how could he prove its acrually him. Maybe he could have their management upgrade your tickets and get you a backstage pass, act like they were running some contest and you got randomly selected. That could work, but then he would have to wait to meet you until after the show when he was exhausted and tired. Or he could try to figure out where you were staying, ah no that would make him seem like he’s stalking you. He has an internal debate with himself for a few more minutes before Yoongi walks into the studio. 

“Namjoon, we have rehearsal today for the show. Are you coming?” 

“Yeah sorry!” Yoongi glances over his shoulder and sees your stream still going on.

“Ah is that why you’re late? Watching the love of your life eh?” 

“Y/n is not! I don’t even know them. But guess what?! They’re coming to Seoul for our concert. Isn’t that amazing?” 

“It is. You gonna find a way to meet up?”

“I want to.. but I’m still trying to work it out..” 

“Just approach y/n at the show. Get them a backstage pass or something.” 

“You think I should?”

“I think if you don’t do something to finally meet this person you have been pining after for a year now I am going to take matters into my own hands and make it happen myself.”  Namjoon laughs but feels better after being encouraged by his friend. 

“Alright Yoongi. I’ll work it out.” 

It’s now the day of the show and Namjoon has had the his plan worked out for a few days now. He smiles to himself as he thinks about the fact that pretty soon he is going to get to meet you. You had got there hours before the show started, wanting to walk around and have time to buy merch, take photos and just take in everything, maybe participate in a random play dance. As you are walking to have your bag checked before entering the grounds of the stadium you see a group of security point at you, leaving you feeling not only a little scared but nervous. One of them approaches you.

“Can I see your ID please?” You are shaking as you reach into your bag to pull it out and hand it to the man. 

“Alright can you come with us please?”

“Umm.. y-yes. Have I done something wrong?”

“No not at all. You were randomly chosen to be given VIP access. If you come with us we can take you back stage and you can meet the members.” It takes everything in you not to scream. Is this actually happening right now? You reach down and pinch your arm rather harshly causing you to wince.

“Ouch.”

“What are you doing?” One of the security asks you. 

“Just pinching myself to make sure I am not dreaming. Alright then I guess I’ll follow you.” You allow yourself to be guided away, and feel tons of eyes on your back as you walk away, no doubt wondering what exactly was going on. With every step you take your heart rate quickens and you feel your palms getting sweatier. You finally come to stop outside of the door. One of them hands you a badge that says VIP on it. 

“Alright you can go in now.” They walk away leaving you standing dumbfounded outside of the door. Should you knock? Or just head in? You raise your hand up and are about to knock when suddenly it swings open. And you honestly feel like you’re going to faint. You are now face to face with Namjoon. The Kim Namjoon that you have been admiring for years now. 

“Hey! You must be y/n. Glad you could make it.” Him saying your name snaps you out of your min fangirl attack.

“How did you know my name?”

“Ah, okay. Well.. come inside and sit down please? This may all seem kind of weird and all but.. I’ve known about you for a while now.” You enter into the room and see the rest of the members around getting their makeup, and hair done. When you enter the room all eyes are on you. You wave shyly at all of them and they all give you an enthusiastic hello back before you sit down on the couch with Namjoon. “So.. remember the other day when you were talking to a Realme94?”

“Yes..”

“That was me. I’ve been watching your videos for about a year now and I really love y- I mean I love your videos! And you seem like such a nice and sweet person and when I found out you were coming here to see us perform well.. I couldn’t not meet you.” 

“You.. wanted to meet me..?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?” 

“Because I’m just some silly person making videos in their room and you’re.. Namjoon?” 

“And you’re y/n. A sweet and kind hearted, funny person that I would absolutely love to get to know better.” Your head is swimming as you are taking all of this in. You begin to giggle and Namjoon looks at you, confused.

“I’ve finally lost my mind haven’t I?” Suddenly Jungkook walks over and puts a hand on your shoulder.

“Y/n listen, My hyung here has been pining after you for a year now. He’s a huge fan of you, and when he found out you were not only coming to Seoul but thinking about moving here.. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy. He’s trying to downplay how nervous and excited he is right now but he’s smitten with you.”

“Jungkook!” “Sorry hyung. But y/n needed to hear that and I could tell you were dancing around the subject.” Jungkook sits down on the edge of the couch forcing Namjoon to move even closer to you.

“Is that true Namjoon?”

“For the most part yes..”

“For the entire part yes you mean!” Shouts Yoongi.

“Wow you all are really just out to expose me aren’t you?” You can’t help but laugh at how flustered he is getting at their teasing.

“Hey, it’s alright Namjoon. Really you have no idea how flattered I am by all this. It actually makes me really happy. I guess you already know that I really admire you after our conversation then. Oh gosh how much embarrassing stuff have I said in my streams..” You’re having an internal crisis remembering all of the things you have said.

“Well, I mean now that I am here in person you can poke my dimples like you’ve always wanted.” Your face flushes bright red as you remember all of the times you’ve fangirled over Namjoon. He laughs and pokes your cheek, causing you to smile.  “I’m just teasing you y/n. Really it’s endearing. And I hope I am not being too forward but since I have been living in Seoul for years now maybe tomorrow I could give you a tour? Show you around the city, all of the good places to live..” 

“That would be awesome. But how are we going to meet up again?” Namjoon blushes again and clears his throat.

“Ah, well I mean we could exchange numbers and you could tell me where to meet you in the afternoon?”

“Smooth, hyung.” Jungkook chimes in which earns him an elbow to the ribs.

“That sounds great. Let me see your phone, I’ll put my number in.” You two take each other’s phones and put your numbers in there.

“Well, I don’t want to keep you any longer. We have to get ready for the show. But if you walk back out of here one of the guards will take you to your seat. We upgraded it so you can be in the front row.”

“But the show doesn’t start for another hour and a half. I wanted merch…” Namjoon can’t help but laugh at your pouting.

“What do you want y/n? I’ll bring it tomorrow when I pick you up.”

“Really?!”

“Yes of course.” You tell him the shirts you were thinking about getting as well as an army bomb.

“Ah well you’ll need the light stick before the show..” He walks to the back of the room and looks in a bag before he comes out with one.

“You can have mine. I can always get another one before the show starts.”

“Namjoon I can’t-”

“Please.. I want you to have it.” He smiles at you and places it in your hand.

“Thanks you.. Seriously this is way more than I ever could have hoped for.” 

“Just wait until tomorrow! I’ll make sure you get the full city experience.” You smile and thank him again, saying goodbye to all the members before walking out of the room. You follow the guard to your seat and sit down. You are lost in your own thoughts processing everything that happened before when the army bomb in your hand starts changing colors and lands on the color purple. Namjoon must have had it synced up to his phone and was changing the colors on it. You smile to yourself as the venue starts filling up, not sure if you’re more excited for the show, or getting to spend time with Namjoon tomorrow. 

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

28. After the Morning After

Word Count: 3742 Previous

Guiltless Grace was the Grace that Grace liked the best. Nothing would convince her that she was wrong, because even if she was, she's human and allowed to make mistakes. Perfection plagued her a long time and she wouldn't be bringing any of that into her 23rd year. 

She woke up early, only a couple of hours after sleeping and called Hazel. 

"Hello!"

"Morning! How was your first night away?"

" I can handle it. I've slept in crazy places before. Lucy's is nice. They have an elevator!" 

"They live in a penthouse, so yeah. What are you having for breakfast?"

"Sugary cereal!" Hazel cheered. "It's GREAT!" Grace had to choke down getting upset about that. Sugary cereal wasn't great, but it wasn't going to kill Hazel to have a couple of days of it, even though that's not something that Grace ever bought.

"I stayed awake most of the night, so I'm going to get back to sleep soon."

"But you missed me?" Hazel asked.

"Yes."

Hazel laughed, "Get a life, Lady!" She joked. She and Grace laughed. "I'll bet I miss you tomorrow. I'm still enjoying myself… Are you enjoying yourself?"

Grace glanced around the unfamiliar room and looked where her swan goddess gown had been tossed onto the floor... It was gone now. Simon must've moved it.  Meanwhile, she was in nothing but an oversized MIT hoodie that Simon let her borrow. She supposed she was enjoying herself, but truth be told, she didn't feel like the pay off for letting loose last night was worth all of the self doubt of today. She had allowed Simon to be near her again… "I'm allowing myself to be imperfect," Grace said. She didn't lie to Hazel, ever. She just… tried to figure out ways not to potentially scar her with whole truths. She wasn't going to tell her details about Simon, but if it came up, she would be honest that she was there. It came up.

"Your presents from Simon look really nice… I want to see that Idol Princess doll ASAP!" Grace had forgotten about letting Simon take photos. He must’ve posted them to his social media already. Of course Hazel wanted to see that doll. Hell, she could HAVE it… "I've been bragging to Lucy how my mom is gonna be a doll now. She's jealous, of course." 

They talked until it was time for the girls to head to school. Grace sadly let Hazel off of the phone and finally climbed out of the bed. Simon stirred on the couch when she peeked into the living room. He seemed to be having a nightmare. He was curled up with Samantha at his feet and Grace's fur coat over him presumably for warmth. He still looked to be freezing though and she realized that maybe the rental didn't have extra blankets. She felt bad as she went to pull the one off of the bed to cover him with, setting her coat aside first. He snuggled into the blanket, but didn't wake up. He also appeared to be sleeping a little better with it.

Grace studied him for a moment. He looked so different than he used to, in terms of scars and age, but here, sleeping, he was like the little boy that she met and fell for very quickly. That is, if the little boy's hair was starting to gray and his worries had caused deep lines in his face. Still. He looked at peace. She leaned over to give him a kiss on the temple and ordered a ride to come pick her up. 

Her dress had been folded and placed on the trolley with her gifts. She peeked outside and it was pretty cool out there. Enough that she wanted to keep the socks that Simon had given her after her foot rub. They were really comfy and soft. Perfect. She was gonna take them. But, she removed his sweatshirt and got back into her dress. Her hair was.. a mess… nothing she could do about it at the moment. 

Whenever she got the alert for the car, she pushed the trolley outside and gave the driver a tip to pack it for her. She went to grab her purse and coat, brought the trolley back inside, gave Simon another kiss and left.

He heard the door shut and his eyes flew open. Simon jumped up and went to the door to look out. He saw a car down the road, but didn’t recognize it. He locked the door, wondering if he’d left it unlocked last night by accident. After a quick bathroom visit, he peeked into the bedroom and… Grace was gone. She left his sweatshirt on the bed, had changed back into her dress and was just gone. That must’ve been the door. 

He frowned, but she HAD told him that it wasn’t going to mean anything, and he agreed to proceed anyway. Her panties were still on the floor… He picked them up and tucked them into his pocket, unsure if she would want those back or not. He shot her a quick text: “Left in a hurry. Forgot your panties.”

“Lol. Thanks. I’ll grab them later.” 

He sighed and looked at his desk. He had work to do, but he was still sleepy, and now depressed, to boot. He set an alarm for later in the day and went to bed. It was more comfortable than the couch and it smelled like Grace. He wasn’t sure if that would make it harder to sleep or be more comforting. His jaw was killing him, and he knew that was a combination of Shana’s fists and Grace’s thrusts… but it was totally worth the discomfort this morning of having had Grace seemingly satisfied with his oral ministrations a few hours ago. 

He wanted more, of course he did. But, he hoped that she was at least minimally impressed by the fact that he graciously accepted what she was willing to give him. 

It was amazing, for him, actually. Simon hadn’t done that with her before. He chuckled to himself. If he had, maybe he would’ve turned his life around much sooner. He frowned at that joke, even though it only existed inside of his head. But, now he was back to thinking about the reason that she didn’t trust him with her body again. The way he had handled her the first time…

Simon had been selfish. Honestly, he simply used her body to get himself off, bending and moving her in whatever way seemed pleasing to him and because she loved him, she did whatever it took to make him happy… then he just stabbed her in the back. He hated feeling like a broken record, but he could never let go of who he had been back then, and she definitely couldn’t either. If he even seemed to be too close to her face she flinched and moved back. If his hands touched her, no matter how gently, she became irate as she flung them away. She didn’t want anything to do with him, but he was probably very convenient for her. He knew that he had to be fine with that. He had to be fine with her limits, her boundaries, her rules. He wasn’t, but he had to be and he was going to make sure that he seemed to be. “Thank you for allowing me to give you some attention this morning,” he texted. 

She took a moment thinking before eventually just replying, “Welcome.” In another text, she said, “I’m going to be sleeping last night off today. I’ll text you whenever I’m available to swing by.”

“Okay. Sweet dreams.”

“Thanx. Bye.”

.

Grace woke up around 1 pm. That was the latest that she had woken up in years, and not something that she ever did very often. She had several missed calls and texts from her friends. No more from Simon, thankfully, and sadly, none from Hazel. She had numerous notifications from her social media accounts. Most likely birthday wishes. She ordered some food and got ready for the day while she waited for it to arrive. Her legs felt a little bit sore. She had been dancing longer and harder than she did in her day to day last night. And had definitely used muscles she didn't usually at Simon's. So, she rubbed some oils into her muscles and stretched everything out.

While she ate, she checked all of her messages. All the girls wanted to know how she was today and Chapa was especially concerned (her friend from Julliard), so she messaged her first, since she hadn’t been there for the end of the night, then she decided to just go live, as it was easier than addressing everyone individually. 

“Hey, everybody. Forgive me for looking homely today. I traded in the beauty rest for an amazing time last night. I just wanted to show everyone my face and give thanks for all of the birthday wishes, as well as all of the concerned messages of friends who saw me get a little wilder than normal last night. Special thank you to my friends who celebrated with me and to those who wanted to celebrate with me but just couldn't. You’re all so very amazing…” She read a few of the incoming comments basically reassuring her that she was indeed still exceptionally beautiful, congratulations on having a fun birthday, and belated birthday wishes. Then, someone asked, "Did you see Simon for your birthday?" 

“As a matter of fact, I DID see Simon on my birthday. He was a total gentleman and got me some really nice gifts.” 

Then, the comments became a sea of interest in Simon, her relationship status with Simon, questions about his gifts, thoughts on whether or not she should entertain gifts or visits from him, and she ignored them to conclude, “Well, I just wanted to check in with everybody. I will be seeing the people that I planned on seeing today and I hope all of you have a wonderful rest of your day. Quote of the Day: I will hold myself to a standard of Grace, not perfection.” She winked and ended the video.

She noticed that Simon “loved” it, and she continued eating and went to scroll his page. He did one birthday post that had all of the photos of her receiving her gifts from him, but it also had this LONG ASS caption that she only skimmed through, seeing it was basically more of his groveling - claiming that she was the most perfect person in the world and that he didn’t deserve her to ever forgive him nor did he expect them to ever be on good terms again, but he was really grateful that they could be the way that they are and every pinch of her energy given to him was more than he had earned, etc. 

She avoided the comments, but accidentally saw one person say something along the lines of, “She might as well just forgive you and take you back if she’s going to be around you at all.” There was a long thread beneath it and she was curious, but didn’t check. She willed herself not to check. 

She went to check Hazel’s page and saw the video of Hazel preparing birthday breakfast, a post of selfies of the two of them before school that day and one that she snapped of Grace about to cry with the caption, “This is the face of a person with no life. It’s just a few days, Mother!” Grace sniffled even looking at the photos of them. 

“I miss my baby,” she whimpered, before calling Lucy’s mother to ascertain that there had been no problems or needs to be discussed. After she was done, and tossed her trash out, she sat on her patio, looking at her neighborhood and being reminded very much that she indeed did not have a life, as Hazel had suggested twice in two days.

She called Simon. “Hello.” He sounded… not well.

“Hey. When’s a good time for me to stop by?”

“I’ll be here all day. I don’t have anything to do, as I don’t know anything about the city yet.”

“Okay. Well, I’m gonna leave right now, and depending on traffic, shouldn’t take too long, since I’m…” She paused. “Not too far away right now,” she said. He scoffed or laughed. She couldn’t tell, but it annoyed her. “There a problem, Simon?”

“Nope.” She squinted her eyes and sighed. “See you,” he said and hung up on her. 

“There’s a fucking problem,” she said, shaking her head. Maybe she could go to Brooklyn and grab Shana and/or Iza. Damita lived in the Bronx… that was closer to where Simon currently was, but she was at school right now. Tulip was at work and Mikayla was likely doing something else, because she was always busy with something… And if she told Chapa that she slept there, lord… the backlash… Ugh. She got up and just sent a message to the group text that she was going to go pick up something from Simon’s and that he was acting funny on the phone. If anything did happen, they all knew his information. But, she hated that she was sexual with someone just hours ago that made her feel the need to even take such precautions, and she hated that she decided to do that. Nobody forced her to, or pressured her to.. UGH! 

.

The front door was open whenever she pulled up to the house, but she still rang the doorbell. Who knew what might set him off today? Simon came to the door with Samantha in one hand and her underwear in the other. He sort of shoved it towards her, and whenever she took it, he offered the fakest ass smile that she had ever seen him make. “You’re in a bad mood,” she said, accusatory. 

He furrowed his eyebrows, then slumped his shoulders, “Is it obvious? Sorry. It’s been a bad day.”

“You gonna be alright?” 

“Of course. I always am.”

She started to leave, but paused and turned around, “Does it have anything to do with me?”

“No!” he answered quickly and shook his head. 

“Okay… well… I feel like you’re taking it out on me, whatever it is and I don’t like that.”

He looked absolutely devastated by that. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to take anything out on you… He set Samantha down and came outside, closing the door behind him. “I know that what happened between us was a one time thing and we’re not lovers or friends, so the last thing I wanted to do was bother you with my problems. I tried to just not say anything about them.”

“It’s fine to say that you don’t want to talk about something, instead of these short answers and moody tone, making me rethink even a one time casual engagement with you.”

He sighed again, “Okay. I’m sorry.” He sat down on the steps and she sighed and sat next to him. 

“What is it?”

“I didn’t sleep well. I haven’t heard back from the company about the position. I was denied a grant that I need for a really important project, and I spent more than a reasonable amount of time arguing with people on the internet.” He rocked his legs. “And now, I’ve let my day affect yours… which is just… the thing I hate the most of everything that I just said.”

She reached out for his hand and he looked down at their fingers, intertwined. She didn’t say anything or even look at him. They both were just looking at their hands, woven together, saying nothing. Eventually, she got up, said, “Hope you feel better,” and left. And… he did. He felt inexplicably better. 

.

Grace barely let Hazel breathe when she got back home. She was asking about how much fun she had (updates that she had been given daily), seeing if Hazel wanted to do a lot of other stuff (despite the fact that they had a very full weekend ahead of them), and Thursday evening, whenever Hazel appeared in her doorway while she was at the vanity oiling her scalp, Grace smiled, eager to see what Hazel wanted to do with her right now.

“Hey… So… Is it just gonna be you and me this weekend?”

“Yes! We’re gonna have so much fun!” Grace cheered. “I can’t WAIT for corn dogs at the amusement park.” Hazel came in and sat beside Grace on the little bench in front of her vanity. “Are you okay, Hazel?”

“Are you?” Hazel wondered. Grace was confused. “It was my first time away and I guess I thought it would be a good break for both of us, but you spent a lot of time checking up on me and… aside from your birthday, did you have any fun? Did you even have any fun on your birthday?”

“Yes, I had fun. I had more fun than should’ve been allowed.”

“I keep thinking about the tour you and Simon gave me and the stuff you two told me. I’m the same age that you were when you met. You were having so much fun and doing so many things with your friend… now, all you do is take care of me, and barely give me the chance to take care of myself.”

“Hazel, you have to understand, the stuff that Simon and I were doing was because we were both highly neglected. We were retelling stories of how we came together to make bad situations a little bit better. I don’t ever want you to feel neglected, so I make sure that I’m here for you, whenever you need me.”

Hazel nodded, and clasped her hands together, “I get that. But, also… before we lived together, I used to see you on social media having a great time and living so carefree. You had activities and friends. I feel like I’ve taken a lot of that away from you and…"

"It's my job. It's my job to take care of you. Not the other way around, Hazel. Don't worry about what things I don't do anymore." 

"I wouldn't, but it's hard not to think about it whenever you're being all… I don't know…" she didn't want to say the wrong thing. She wasn't trying to hurt Grace's feelings, but Grace was perhaps putting way more into this than Hazel needed.

"Ok. I get it. Just try to understand, I didn't have a good example of how much time a mom should give. I had faceless nanny after faceless nanny. Driver after driver whose names I've forgotten completely. Detached professional instructors and private school staff who could care less about my well-being. I'm trying to be the opposite of what I had and I guess in my quest to be a good mom I wound up not being one…"

"You ARE a good mom. You just need to also be good by yourself." Hazel twiddled her fingers, "I wanted to see if Lucy could come to the amusement park with us, but I didn't want you to feel bad."

"I won't. Call her up and see if she can come," Grace said, smiling but literally feeling horrible. Hazel rushed to go do that and Grace looked at an alert from her phone. It was artwork that someone did and tagged her and Simon to. "Grace as the Idol Princess." Really nice artwork. She liked it and continued her hair.

Lucy wouldn't be able to come this weekend. Hazel was upset, but still excited for the outings. Grace felt like her secondary plan, but brushed that aside. Whenever she went to bed, she saw a notification that Simon had gone live. She laid down and tuned in, catching him in the middle of a point about never being good enough to be forgiven. "And, I understand perfectly in instances nowhere I was completely in the wrong, for instance, everyone who follows me knows everything I did to Grace, but I didn't do shit like that to my mother, and even what I did do… how is that not her fault? How is she mad at me for something I did when she left me unattended? That was thirteen years ago. So… no. Don't tell me that I should be forgiving of her because she's sick or because of her problems or whatever else. My mother is part of the reason I became a person who could hurt Grace. My parents were majority stockholders in me being an unforgivable piece of shit to her. I don't care about what they were going through and I'm not going to explain that again."

She typed into the comments, "Wtf is going on?" 

He noticed it and ran a hand through his hair, "Hey, Grace. Just… still arguing with people on the internet. Explaining myself like a peasant," he joked, laughing. 

"CALL. ME." She typed. 

He stared at the screen for a while, then just cut off the video. But, seconds later, he was calling. "Simon… what happened?"

He groaned, "There was this entire debate about how you should just forgive me instead of us going back and forth, so I said that you're not obligated to trust me and it became this entire thing and somehow devolved into me forgiving my mom, especially because she's dying."

"What the fu… your mom is dying?"

"Yeah," he said casually. "She has very late stage cancer from a brain tumor." 

"WHAT? Since when?"

"I think she found out a couple of months ago? She told me in Belize, but my dad had made this post about it before then. I’m not sure why I thought you knew.”

“If I had known, I would have said something nice to you… or something.”

He chuckled, “I don’t need something nice… unless it’s you.” He smiled. She could hear the smile.

“Well, if you want that, it would take a whole lot more than you eating me out one night. You’ve got things to atone for, Buddy.” She laughed, but he was quiet for a moment. So quiet that she thought he might have gotten disconnected. But, he eventually spoke again.

“I’ll do anything.”

She smiled as wide as her face would allow and she simply whispered, “Worship me.”

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